You know, there's a very good reason they call them crushes. Inevitably, your heart is crushed.
On one hand, crushes are great. There’s a really cute guy/girl at the office/school/Starbucks that you see every day. You have a crush. You go out of your way to look your absolute cutest every single day on the off chance that he/she will notice you and maybe even talk to you.
When you're a grownup and you have a crush you understand all the dynamics. You've been down this road once or twice and chances are you're not going to be totally devastated/embarrassed/horrified/humiliated/demoralized when things don't turn out quite like they did in your little fantasy.
When you're eight and you have a crush it's a whole other thing. And when you're the parent of the eight year old with said crush and you see the writing on the wall....probably before the wall is even built....you want to do everything in your power to protect your baby from the impending heartache.
But can you really do that? It's a natural instinct to want to protect your child from anything and everything. But is that the right thing to do? Did anyone do that for you? Chances are the answer is no, and look, you've managed to grow up into a (somewhat) functional adult. But still, as a parent, the urge is there.
So yeah, Zoe has a crush. A big crush. On the aforementioned Mr. XXX.
This weekend she got him a card. And a huge chocolate bar. She spent a lot of time working on the illustrations inside the card, and she signed it: Love ?.
She provided some clues as to her identity and wrote a message, the gist of which was: if you know who this is please don't tell your friends, and if you do please don't laugh at me.
Chuck saw the card before she sealed the envelope and had a little father/daughter chat with her. He broached the subject of possible heartache with her. Intrepid little bugger that she is she said that she would be just fine.
Chuck told me all about it and I cried. I cried about her message. I cried because she’s so willing to just put herself out there, as raw and pure and humanly possible. And I cried because partly I’m jealous that she can be so “out there” with her feelings and partly because I don’t want to see her get her feeling hurt.
I want to surround my baby in bubble wrap and keep her safe. Keep her heart pure. Keep her open and kind and loving. But I can’t do that.
And I’m crushed.
Posted by beth at November 9, 2004 12:05 AMShe'll be fine... I'm not so sure about you, though! :-)
I had my share of crushes at that age, and all but one ended in heartache. It's hard to explain, but I remember the heartache much more fondly than the one that didn't get away. It's almost like the heartache is the only thing more intense than the crush that caused it.
Also, it's probably better for her to 'touch the hot stove' now while the potential burn/lesson will be less serious and easier to treat. You don't want her walking around as a teenager without the sense of what's likely to get her burned.
Beautiful post, though.
Posted by: David at November 9, 2004 01:01 AMYes ... beautiful post.
I worry about my 12-year-old daughter, who is much more subdued with her emotions. She still hasn't had a "crush" that I know of. I worry that when she does it might be cataclysmic.
But, we must stand by and watch, and help when called upon. Tough to do.
Posted by: Jim at November 9, 2004 09:09 AMThank you both.
Yes, I know there is nothing I can do but sit on the sidelines and be there in the end.
And yes, I also know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
But, yes again, it's just tough to do.
Posted by: beth at November 9, 2004 09:44 AMAawwww... This makes me gald that my girls haven't yet reached that age, and it fills me with dread for when they do. You're such a sweet mommy!
Posted by: Square1 at November 9, 2004 11:41 AMWhat a wonderful post, Beth. I hope that Mr. XXX is worthy of Zoe's crush. Not only for her sake but for yours.
Posted by: Carol at November 9, 2004 05:59 PMThank you Carol.
Just today Mr. XXX told Zoe that she's the coolest girl in the 4th grade. (And yeah, I wanted to cry when she told me that.)
But....is any man really worthy of my daughter? Not bloody likely.
Posted by: beth at November 9, 2004 08:08 PMBoys are more sensitive these days aren't they? Heh. Zoey will be just fine because she has loving parents who have inspired her to be confident in herself. She sounds like she's a grounded kid, and ready to take on the occasional shit-kicking the world dishes up. My feeling is that if you have loving parents you'll be a better survivor in life. Unconditional love enables you to put things in perspective.
Posted by: Lesley at November 9, 2004 11:33 PMJust today Mr. XXX told Zoe that she's the coolest girl in the 4th grade.
Bright boy for recognizing the truth. Definitely gets points for that. Though you are, of course, correct when you say:
But....is any man really worthy of my daughter? Not bloody likely.
And Lesley is absolutely correct.
Posted by: Carol at November 10, 2004 04:20 PMOh this is so heartbreaking and scary for moms and dad. It's just as bad with sons when they get a crush on a girl. Boys really put themselves out there too. Wait until your daughter's old enough to date. My daughter is 18 and she and he boyfriend broke up this fall. It was so sad. It just about killed me to watch it.
Posted by: Little Island at November 14, 2004 08:21 AMI just wanted to say thanks for writing your blog. I have 3 daughters, ages 5,4,1, and I need all the help I can get! I was stunned when my 5 year old came home from school and told me she had a BOYFRIEND!!!! I wanted to take her to a convent and padlock her in!!! It's nice to know I'm not the only parent who feels this way. thanks
Posted by: Mathew at November 17, 2004 07:55 AM