Diary of a SubUrban Housewife

Flatter Me More

Seems I have a few more g-mail invites to put out there into the universe.

As before, please write a 500 word essay on why I'm so fabulous. . .or you can just ask me nicely.

I'm Huge In Nigeria

I have gotten no fewer than five e-mails this week from various government officials in Nigeria wanting me to serve as their agent. The sums of money involved range from a paltry $15 million to a comfortable $64 million.

People of Nigeria: I cannot be trusted with that kind of money. I will buy shoes. Lots of them.

Protect yourselves, look elsewhere.

Three Simple Rules

I'm all about random acts of kindness. But in my world there is a hard and fast rule for such acts. You see, I believe that if you perform an act of kindness, no matter the size, if you tell the recepient of said act, that act then becomes null and void. My thinking is this: One should perform an act of kindness for the sheer selflessness of it all. When you start sharing that you did it, it then becomes about getting "credit" for having done so, thus removing the "selfless" portion of the equation.

Along with my acts of kindness rule, is the don't brag about church rule. People who brag about going to church nullify their attendance because it then becomes about getting credit for being godly versus the act of communicating with your maker/higher power/overlord (or insert the word of your choice). You see I think the whole god relationship is a very personal one and one that should not be necessarily shared with others. I think "bragging" about it diminishes the whole thing.

I feel the same way about people who say, "I'll pray for you". This one really sticks in my craw. I have major religion issues in the first place, and this does not help. The mere thought of praying for someone else is, on the face of it, completely selfless, but sharing that you either do it, did it, or are going to do it, circles back to the "getting credit" issue.

So it all boils down to this:

1. Do nice things for other people. Often. But do things because you want to and never share that you did so.

If you're lucky enough to be around when the person makes the discovery of your act, you will be amazed at how good you feel in just sharing in their happiness at the discovery of your (secret) act. And you will know for the future, if you're not there at the moment of discovery, that you really made someones minute, hour, day, week, or year.

2. Go ahead and worship at the alter of your choice, but do not brag about it. It's profoundly unseemly.

3. Knock yourself out praying for other people. But only share with your god (see #2 above for the unseemly factor).

How I Spent My Lunch Hour(ish)

Sing angel music to yourself as you click on the image to make it larger. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Go me! My M1!

An Open Letter:

To whoever is holding the laundry fairy hostage I have three words for you:

SET HIM FREE

Things are dire here!

Now I've Heard It All

Martha Stewart, on going to jail:

"I could do it," she said at the time. "I'm a really good camper...There are many, many good people who have gone to prison. Look at Nelson Mandela."

So after prison I suppose there will only be two career choices left for Martha: spokesperson for Coleman lanterns or President of South Africa. Keep your options open I always say.

Oy.

Get a Piece of Me

Your SubUrban housewife has gone public. No, there was no huge fanfare or controversy like the Google IPO. Frankly, it happened late last night, on a whim, but I'm wacky that way.

What on earth is she talking about you wonder??? Well, you can now trade in fantasy shares of my blog at Blogshares.com.

OK, I'm not really sure on all the ins and outs of it since I just opened my account last night but it's a virtual stock market where you trade in blogs. They give you something like $1000 to start with and you buy and sell "shares" in blogs to make your fortune.

My stock price is really undervalued right now since it's new. So buy buy buy!!!

Your stock value is calculated based on incoming and outgoing links, so fellow bloggers, feel free to link to me, and invest in me. If you do so, your value will appreciate, and I would appreciate it. (I crack me up anyway.)

I would be doing more homework and writing a more explanatory entry but I'm at the office and I need to get out of here and as Chuck reported, we have no internet at home until next Tuesday. I'll be checking back from the office on Monday so if you have any questions know I'm not ignoring you. And hey, if you open a Blogshare account and buy some Housewife shares let me know.

Affirmations

I'm trying a new approach to the whole I hate my boss thing. I have these two cards propped up against my monitor at the office:

and

(click to make them bigger)

I do believe I feel better already.

An Entry From the Department of Things I'm So Not Ready For Yet

As is our custom, when I tuck Zoe in for the night we usually lay down together and chat. We chat about all manner of things, and I use this time to hopefully get a deeper glimpse into her day and what's going on with her. We also spend a fair amount of time talking about the kittens (Zoe's favorite topic).

Well last night's conversation was one I was so not ready for. Out of nowhere Zoe (who I will remind you is eight and in the 4th grade) asked me what a wet dream was.

Oy.

I asked her why she wanted to know. She told me that one of her classmates (a boy) has asked her if she knew what it was, and she said yes she did, even though she didn't, and now wanted to know what it was.

I explained that it was something boys had and excused myself in search of her father, as I felt this was more his area of expertise than mine.

Clearly in the shock of the situation I'd lost my mind. Chuck was having none of it. He mumbled something to the effect of telling her it means wetting the bed and then he ran for cover.

Mercifully by the time I returned she was on to new and different topics.

The Salt of The Earth

My husband. Yeah. Him.

He truly, in his heart, believes that any entry that includes him as the topic is vastly improved. Even if he plays a minor character in the entry, that entry is automatically better.

Case in point: he IM's me a link. I click on it. He actually said, "An excellent entry by Gavin." Because as you now know, because you clicked on that link, the entry features him as the point of it. Thus, perfect entry.

He also believes that he improves any joke or story he is recounting. If you tell Chuck a joke (or story), I will guarantee you that when he recounts the joke (or story) he will change it. In his mind improving it.

Like salt improves the flavor of just about anything you add it to, I guess so does my husband. (Who now believes I just wrote the perfect entry.)