The living hell that is National Customer Service Week continues. Following is the inspirational email that just hit my Inbox, with my own comments added just so I can vent.

What a week so far! Today was filled with Sweetness and Motivation!

Yes, every job satisfaction survey ever done has shown that food is what really motivates a workforce. Higher pay, flex time, days off, more respect, better working conditions and telecommute all fell far below “Cookies and Donuts” on the “What Motivates YOU?” question on the surveys.

Throughout the day motivational expressions flashed on the Customer Support Reader board giving motivational encouragement to our Staff.

The Customer Support Reader Board is viewable only from the Customer Support Department. Other areas of the office — mine, for example — went unflashed. But I could feel the power of the motivational expressions all the way over here, so I guess that’s good enough.

We are still adding new faces to the Who’s Who board…

Thank God, because there weren’t enough faces on there already that nobody could identify. It definitely needed more. And just a suggestion, but maybe you should move the Who’s Who board out of the dead-end row of cubes where it is and put it where people can actually see the stupid thing without having to navigate a narrow aisle. Just a thought…

Today Development, Trauma, Special Projects and QA were honored for their outstanding contributions to (Company Name) with tasty treats.

Wait a second. I thought the pies, Krispy Kreme donuts and cookies were there to motivate everyone, not just these few departments. I had a donut, but I’m with Field Services. Do I have to give it back?

AGENDA HIGHLIGHTS

It’s “Partners in Service” Potluck DAY! Bring your appetites, your Favorite Dish and the recipe that goes with it.

Because nothing motivates and says “Thank You” more than throwing a party for you and asking you to cook for yourself!

Our Customer Support is phone based, so technically I’d need to call in to experience them in action. I have a cell phone, though, so I guess I stand over there and dial from next to the person who will take my call.

Also, get in on the action and play Functional Feud.

Only if I can do it in true Hatfield & McCoy feud fashion and use a loaded firearm.

In addition, Wednesday is also Wear (Software Product Name) Shirt Day! Please do not forget to wear your (Software Product Name) shirt.

I don’t think I’ll be wearing mine — I use it to wax my motorcycle.

Department Recognition: Customer Support will be recognizing Distribution, MOL, MIS and Trainers based in the Southern California Office. Expect a visit from our motivated customer support staff to recognizing the importance of this department!

This sounds suspiciously like Christmas Carolers. I hate Christmas Carolers. I’m expecting a roving band of Motivated Customer Support Staff going from cube to cube singing motivational songs like Kumbaya and Working Off The Clock Is Good For The Bottom Line.

And P.S.: your grammar and syntax suck. They’re there “to recognizing” and you’ve named four departments but apparently only one is important?

Special notes:
Have you guessed ‘who’s-who’ in Customer Support’s Baby Picture game yet? Visit the ‘main isle’ of Customer Support!

No, I haven’t guessed yet. That’s because I couldn’t care less if you ran hot needles into my eyeballs. And P.S.: your spelling sucks! An isle is an island. Morons.

Aaaaalllll weeeekkkk llloooonnnnnggggg this is going on. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

My coffee woes continue. I’m back in the home office this week and of course the coffee pot was empty this morning. Fuckers. So, being America’s Coffee Bitch, I made more. I went back for more just after lunch: empty again, I made more again. Again: fuckers. I just went back for my afternoon jolt: empty again. And even worse than that, no more coffee packets. (Well, I shouldn’t say no more, there was plenty of decaf, but we’re not animals.) (At least I’m not.) (Generally speaking.) (Usually.)

Anyway. No more coffee: Fuck. Fucking fuck fuckers.

We have two lunchrooms in my office: the big one, and then a small “galley” over on my end — just a wet bar, really: sink, coffee machine, a few drawers and cupboards. The big one is where all the goodies are, so I went there to restock the galley. Only the big one’s almost out of coffee, too. All that was left there was a drawer with maybe enough coffee for a week. (Again, plenty of decaf, but we’re not animals.) (Well, they are on that end.)

I did the right thing: I cleaned ’em out. I loaded up with as much coffee as I could carry and smuggled it over to the galley. I left barely enough behind to get them through about noon tomorrow, but we’ll be good over here in the galley for about another two days. By that time the purchaser should have noticed they’re out of coffee on their end and maybe gotten off their lazy coffee-swilling-but-non-coffee-making-and-ordering ass and ordered more. And get the good stuff this time, biotch!

Don’t fuck with my coffee. I will take you down. I will take you down to Chinatown.

Shoot me now, please. The following “motivational message” just arrived in my Inbox:

A man was lost while driving through the country. As he tried to read a map, he accidentally drove off the road into a ditch. Though he wasn’t injured, his car was stuck deep in the mud. So the man walked to a nearby farm to ask for help.

The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he’s part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”

Wow. What a story. Doesn’t it make you just want to jump chest-deep into mud and pull your heart out for a stranger? Me too! Who knew that lying and manipulating the handicapped could be so darned inspirational???

I’m reminded of Inigo’s comment to Vizzini in The Princess Bride about his repeated use of the word “Inconceivable!” — “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

And this shit’s going to be going on aaaallll weeeeekkkk looooonnnnggggg.

The next Governor of California? Not with my vote.

Oh good Lord. Our Customer Support Department is running amok and has declared this week to be “Customer Service Week.” Which apparently means annoying the fuck out of me.

The office is festooned with balloons (one obnoxious display is right next to my cube — I think I’ll pop a few before the day is over) and my Inbox is overflowing with emails about how fabulous we all are, how fabulous the celebration is going to be, and how fabulous it is to be fabulous.

Ack.

Via email, this is today’s agenda for the Customer Service Week bullshit:

We’re off to an excellent start! We hope that everyone enjoyed the kick-off breakfast, decorations, and festivities. This was only the first day of the weeklong celebration of (Company Name) excellence!

Special notes:
Have you guessed ?who?s-who? in Customer Support?s Baby Picture game yet? Visit the ?main isle? of Customer Support!

This week looks like an excellent time to use any and all vacation time I have saved up.

Every once in a while I manage to take a halfway decent picture. This morning’s effort is, I think, a little more than halfway.

What kind of person takes pictures of a bathroom and then posts them in his weblog? My kind.

This is the mens room in the Fort Smith, AR airport. Marble tiled walls, floral arrangements on the counter, overstuffed lounging chairs, a 3-way mirror just out of frame on the right… It’s the nicest bathroom I’ve ever seen anywhere — it was nicer than some restaurants I’ve eaten in. It’s so lux, I was surprised there was no attendant on duty, and I half expected a waiter to show up with a menu. I felt like I was in the Manhattan Four Seasons, only I’ve been there and I can tell you their bathrooms aren’t this nice.

The only thing I didn’t like was those chairs. What’s up with that? Do they really want to entice people to hang out in the bathroom all day? I was tempted to do it just to see if Security would hassle me.

Yes, I know I’m a freak for taking and posting this picture. But I was already a freak anyway, so being a big fan of this bathroom can’t make it any worse.

Oh look, it’s another of my favorite mid-travel entries where I post from a kiosk in an airport. I know you guys love these entries so much … or is that me?

Anyway, I’m in Dallas right now, leaving for LAX in about an hour. My original itinerary had me flying to Burbank, but my flight out of Ft. Smith was overbooked and they were offering $250 travel credits to get off, so I got off. The plane, that is. The flight was delayed and I was probably going to miss my Dallas connection anyway (my bags surely would have), so they actually paid me to do me a favor and put me on a later flight anyway.

The next connecting flight to Burbank out of DFW was at 6:30 tonight, so I opted for the 1:30 to LAX. That’s one of the benefits of living in a major metropolitan area. After two weeks in Arkansas, I think 20th Century dentistry is surely another.

Beth was planning to surprise me by picking me up at the airport, but I’ve foiled that plan once again. I keep switching flights or missing them or getting delayed or whatever so that she keeps not being able to surprise me. It’s getting to the point where my big surprise is going to be that she’s even at home waiting for me.

Okay, 2 minute left on my $4 investment in writing this entry. I give and I give and I give and what do I ask in return? Nothing. But my birthday is coming up and the 2003 Harley Davidson Road King Classic comes in just my size, so if anyone wanted to show some appreciation…

Ladies and gentlemen, the Elvis tattoo has left the building!

So Schwarzenegger is apologizing now for being an asshole. What a scumbag. Laughing it off and denying it didn’t make it go away, so now he’s apologizing. The fact that this shows him up as a liar probably won’t occur to anyone stupid enough to buy the apology.

I’m a fan of his movies, but the fact that this guy is the front-runner for any political office is mind-boggling. For me, it’s just more evidence of how cynical and self-absorbed the Republican party has become. Screw running the candidate who’s best qualified, they’d rather run the candidate who’s most likely to win despite the fact that he’s least qualified. It’s all about “Just win, baby!” and screw the people.

The election is the point for them, when really the point is what happens after the election. The office in question is called Governor, not Winner.