Today is Layoff Day — or as the company likes to call it, Reduction In Force Day. Today, the final axe falls and the last 20 people go home for good.

So of course the tears are flowing.

Good lord. Already I’ve had two people come collecting hugs and making tearful promises to “keep in touch.” Blech.

People, people! Get some perspective. The only reason we know each other and have spent any significant time together is because we were getting paid to be here. I won’t be keeping in touch with you, not unless there’s a check in it for me. You think I’m going to hang out with you people for free??? Wake up!

Oh, and you people who I’ve avoided and not spoken to for two years? Especially my former manager who wrote me up for basically doing my job? Stop coming by my desk to say how much you’re going to miss me. I don’t care; I’m not going to miss YOU. You’re fucking up my perfect record of getting out the door without ever talking to you again. Just stop. Turn around and go cry with someone else, maybe someone who’ll actually shed a tear for you.

There’s a very small list of people from this company who I think are cool, and those people all got an email from me yesterday saying so and giving them my personal info. If you didn’t get that email…? Take a hint.

(No, no, not YOU. You didn’t get the email? Shit, I’m sorry, I must have forgotten to send it to YOU. Everyone else who didn’t get it, didn’t get it ON PURPOSE. You not getting it was a total MISTAKE.)

Hugs and tears, for fuck’s sake. Spare me.