Every once in awhile I get bored with beating Beth and making Zoe scrub the entire house with a mascara brush, and when I get that bored it takes something really extra special to lift me up and entertain me. In times like that I turn to Craigslist, to the Casual Encounters section. This is where the oversexed whack-jobs of LALALand post desperate come-ons, looking to hook up with other losers like themselves who have no play in the real world and standards so low they fail to register on even the most sensitive of meters.

My personal favorites are the ones that have pictures attached. These are almost always from guys, are almost always shot with a camera phone, and are almost always a picture of a carefully pumped and posed penis … that usually has an unfortunate kink somewhere along its oily length. But the cockshots aren’t what I’m there for. (Really, they’re not. Really!) I’m looking for the guys who are so completely clueless that they’ve included a picture of their face, because their write-up is usually so painfully earnest and desperate and clumsy that it’s worth enduring the cockshots to find them. And also, well, let’s be honest: I’m comparing my own unit to the cockshots. And, well, let’s be really honest: sometime it’s not so good for my ego. But I endure. For the comedy.

So let me now share with you a few choice selections from tonight’s perusal of the ads of the lustlorn:

I’m hot as hell tonight…. i want a hot time with a REAL man~reg stud – 28
I am not attracted to ‘homosexuals’
or at least the kind where you can tell
I want what is called a REGULAR man
and a total partier badboy
eh well sensitive is good.. but only if you’re HOT

Okay, no weenie action there — but we do have a guitar stunt cock. And he’s discriminating, too — he wants a gay experience, but not with someone gay. Unless he’s HOT, that is. Gotta draw — and cross — the line somewhere!

HELP MY GIRLFRIEND CAN’T TAKE MY 9IN COCK NEED A GIRL TONIGHT – m4w – 25
NICE GUY LOVES SEX WITH GIRLS GOOD LOOKING NOT FAT 6FT TALL CLEAN. NO STRINGS PLEASE HELP OUT I LIKE MY GIRL BUT NEED MORE ATT. THANKS PS VERY GOOD AT SEX. AND A GIVING LOVER GIRLS ONLY NO GUYS

I love this one just because he included his yearbook picture. And also because he was so friggin’ stupid that he didn’t crop his name off of it before posting it. But I’m a nice guy, so I cropped it for him before posting it here to make fun of him. But I’m sorry, I have no sympathy for a guy with a 9 inch unit. I should have such problems!

LOVING CLIT & BREAST MASSAGE FOR WOMEN – m4w
I am a very caring attractive male looking for a wonderful female friend who would like to find sensuality and companionship. Ideally I would enjoy intimacy like massage, touch and conversation without sex. I am very safe, romantic and nurturing. I am drug and disease free and expect you to be as well. My personality is one where I always have a shoulder for you to lean on.

There was a picture with this one but I didn’t include it because I want this entry to be some semblance of work-safe. Let’s just say that it was a view of his manhood that was most impressive.

(Beth tracked this ad down after reading the 1st draft of this entry. Her comment on seeing his picture? “Holy cow!!!” Greeeaaatttt… Just what I wanted to hear from my wife.)

I’m including this one because I just loved the naked honesty of his plea for friendship and massage and conversation without sex … along with a shot of his naked manhood and a title promising erogenous zone-specific massage. FOR WOMEN! I dunno, I think maybe this guy has ulterior motives; I don’t think friendship is what he has in mind.

ARE YOU COLD??? I can help… – m4w – 35
Ok ladies…I heard about this guy fixing computers in trade for fun between the sheets…well, I just happen to be in the heating and air conditioning business. I am a single guy who loves hot sexy women…so, I can come over and heat you up, and when I’m done…you could heat me up, between the sheets. Let me know what you think…

Woop! Woop! Woop! Warning, warning! Playa alert, playa alert!
Oh, man, does this guy have a rap or what? And sly, with that “between the sheets”? HoooooWEEE!!! And how ’bout that picture? With that rap and those guns, who cares what his face looks like? He’s in!!! (Beth says I should tell you that he blacked out his face, not me. I’m just the messenger.)

*****Anyone up for some fun? – m4w****** – 25
Hello there! Are there any ladies out there that would be interested and grabbing a quick bite to eat and just sit around and chat for awhile? We could spend the night hanging out talking, doing stuff, or where ever it ends up going. No expectation, just looking for some good company. I’m 25, 5’9″ and here’s a picture. Drop me a line if you are interested in doing something fun =)

Awww… What a nice guy. And so sincere! He just wants to enjoy a meal with you, chat, hang out, do “stuff” and … where ever it ends up going. But no expectations! And don’t let the fact that he posted this in the hookup section give you the wrong idea. He’s not looking for sex. Probably. Maybe. Riiiiight.

Okay, one last one before I put a stop to this nonsense.

Virginity anyone? – m4w – 23
Plain and simple, I want to lose my virginity. Yes I am actually a virgin, I am not doing this as a ploy to get laid, believe me I could have if I wanted to. I really just want to loose it to a stranger to avoid any weird feelings amoung friends. Please send a picture with your reply, I am not desperate like most of the guys on here. I know this because when I posted an ad earlier, I received a couple responses from women, but many more from men, even though my post stated clearly “no men please”. If you are interested let me know. Talk to you you soon. NO MEN, I am not interested in you, I don’t care how discreet you are.

He’s a virgin. Really. No, really, he is. And he’s not desperate, not like most of the guys here. Really, he’s not. He’s NOT! Stop laughing! Stop it! It’s not funny! Stop!

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So, yeah, that’s what I do for fun, I read these things and laugh and make fun of the guys posting them. I’m shallow, shoot me. I find it entertaining. And lest you think I’ve been really mean or somehow unethical in posting these things here, let me remind you that they posted them first. All I did was copy it…