Biblio-meme-ophy
There’s another meme floating around out there, polluting the blogosphere. This time it’s “the literary meme.” This one was obviously spawned by a chain letter because you’re supposed to pass it on to three more victims people, who will in turn inflict it on pass it to three more, and so on and so on. With viral marketing like that we’ll be seeing this stupid thing for years.
I hate chain letters. Everyone in my family has already died a thousand painful deaths and my dog has had malformed kittens from me breaking them. The best way to break a chain letter is to send it to me, because I’ll send that shit straight to the trashcan. And now they’ve gone blogomemematic. Well, I’d be breaking this one too except it was Beth who stuck me with it and I want to make her happy. (Jim stuck it to me too, but he got to see U2 and I didn’t so fuck him twice already. And all you other fuckers who were at the Staples Center last Wednesday seeing U2 with Jim, fuck you bastards too.) So fine, I’ll answer the stupid thing. But I won’t like it.
You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book would you want to be?
Learned Pigs and Fireproof Women by Ricky Jay. Because Ricky Jay is The Cool (You’ve seen him as an actor, but I’ll bet you didn’t know he was a writer and card magician too, did you?) and while I like my women ssssssmokin’ hot, I don’t like them to be actually in flames.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes. When I was about six years old I had it bad for Sabrina the Teenage Witch (the cartoon one, not that Melissa Joan Hart skag). I used to kiss her on the TV screen whenever she was on.
Yeah, I had lame game with women even then.
The last book you bought is:
I bought four in preparation for my Mexican vacation: 102 Minutes, Million Dollar Baby, Sahara, and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
The last book you read:
Sahara. I couldn’t stop complaining to Beth about how painful some of it was. Exposition out the wazoo and “aquiline eyes” and “aquamarine nose”s everywhere. And deus ex machina like I’ve never seen it before. But, um, I saw the movie yesterday, so I don’t have much room to complain, I guess.
What are you currently reading?
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And I’ll be seeing the movie as soon as it comes out too.
Five books you would take on a desert island:
1. 101 Ways to Convince Charlize Theron to Go To A Desert Island With You And Make Sweet Sweet Monkey Love All Day Every Day
And if that didn’t work, then:
2. How To Build a Boat With Coconut Husks and Palm Fronds Using Just Your Bare Hands.
3. Sail-Making For Dummies.
4. Sailing For Dummies.
5. Celestial Navigation for Dummies.
What book are you ashamed to admit that you haven’t read?
The Christmas Shoes. There’s a story behind it. (And in it too, I suppose, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never read it.)
At my old job they always made us do time-wasting “team building exercises” in the week leading up to our Christmas Party Annual Holiday Gathering, and during one of these sessions my manager Tracy played the Christmas Shoes song for my team, telling us that she really liked it and she thought we would too. She had obviously lost her mind and forgotten that I was in the room and that there were two other guys in there with me who think like I do.
The lyrics:
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say
Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama meets Jesus tonight
He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama meets Jesus tonight
Bridge:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
Repeat Chorus
Now, if this song touched your heart as much as it touched Tracy’s, then I apologize for this story. But as this song played in that conference room and it got sappier and sappier, we started snickering. And when it got to the line “…when Mama meets Jesus tonight” I muttered something about how the kid should save his money because “Mom doesn’t need any damned shoes — she’s dead already!” That pushed us over the edge. We couldn’t hold it any longer and we burst out laughing like loons. Everyone in the room was laughing, not just me and Joe and Sal. And “When Mama meets Jesus tonight” became code for the rest of the week for when management made us do something stupid, and it always generated gales of laughter.
Tracy took it in stride and wasn’t offended. In fact, she gave me a copy of the book for Christmas the following year as a way of getting me back. I never read it, instead I posted it prominently in my cubicle for her to see whenever she was in town. And at the end, when we were all laid off, I gave it back to Tracy as a goodbye present.
Because I didn’t want the stupid thing at my house.
Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 people) and why?
Nobody. Because I’m a dick.
You gave it back to her and really said that? I’m going to have to rank you up there with Brian in terms of “people I know with giant huevos.”
Yes I gave it back to her, but no I didn’t say why. I said something about it being a gift we can keep giving back to each other year after year — if we still know each other next year.
Ricky Jay rocks. I first became familiar with him when he was a card throwing magician back in the 70s (I think) and still think about him like that, even though I’ve since seen him in Mamet movies. And I saw him speak at the Festival of Books last year. Very interesting fellow.
But you knew that already.
(You will still talk to me even though I gave Beth the meme, won’t you, Chuck? Please? Aw, crap.)
All things considered you seem to have pulled your punches. I expected far worse. :-)
Confession time: I’m a closet Clive Cussler reader. It is sooo badly written and full of all the trite crap you mentioned… I’d even go so far as to call his stuff the literary equivilent of junk food. It has no nutritional (or redeeming) value… but it sure goes down easy.. Bet you can’t have just one!
Chuck, I will never, ever meme you. Never.
Charlize T.? What happened to Sherilyn F.? You Man Ho, you.
Is this your first time reading Hitchhikers Guide? If so I’m going to give away the ending. 42
GraceD – I see SF at school frequently now, so she’s become a little too familiar now. Plus, she was kind of a bitch at the last field trip we both drove kids on, so…
Don – No, I read the whole series before way back in college but I thought I’d go through it again before the movie comes out. 42 indeed.
Bravo on breaking the chain. You deserve both ears and the tail.