March 04, 2005 - Friday
Cooking With Chuck
Cooking with our new George Foreman Grill is quick, easy and fun. It can be a little tricky to use, though. Because I'm such a nice guy and such a giver, I've put together a handy little 62-step guide based on my experiences with it today to help you get the most out of your George Foreman grill. Follow along and enjoy!
- Turn grill on and zone out while it heats up
- Curse as you realize it's still dirty from the chicken you cooked on it last night
- Remove grill plates
- Curse as you burn hands on hot grill plates
- Wash grill plates in hot soapy water in the sink
- Put grill plates in the dish rack to dry
- Take expensive cut of fish out of the refrigerator and spice to flavor
- Kick seventeen cats out of your way as they swarm around your legs hoping for a piece of whatever you're preparing
- Remove grill plates from dish rack and install on the George Foreman grill, first one, then the o
- Shoo three cats off the counter where they are swarming around the expensive cut of fish you were just spicing
- Turn grill on
- Wait for it to heat up
- Stay in kitchen while you wait because the cats will jump up on the counter and devour the fish if you leave the room for even a second
- Stare at grill while it heats and prove the old adage that "a watched pot never boils"
- Wake up from your zone-out when the grill beeps to say it's hot
- Shove two cats off the counter where they were licking expensive cut of fish
- Open grill, place fish on lower grill plate
- Close grill
- Set timer for 4 minutes
- Notice smoke pouring out of grill
- Wonder why it's doing that
- Watch smoke pouring out of grill
- Be puzzled about why it's doing that since it's never done it before
- Watch smoke pouring out of grill some more
- Realize smoke alarms are going to go off soon because there's so much smoke pouring out of grill
- Turn on stove fan, open kitchen windows to try to vent smoke before smoke alarms go off
- Wonder why grill is smoking when it's never done that before
- Finally decide to investigate why it's smoking so much when it's never done that before
- Open grill, notice that top grill plate is not installed
- Turn around, find that you left it in the dishrack because you got interrupted by the stupid cats in the middle of step nine
- Curse at the way the top of the expensive cut of fish is burnt by the top heating element
- Remove partially-cooked fish from lower grill plate so it won't keep cooking on the bottom while you try to figure out how to fix this fucking fuck-up
- Place partially-cooked fish on plate on counter
- Curse at the way the grill's top heating surface has burnt fish crusted on it
- Attack burnt-on crust of fish on heating element with damp Scotch-Brite kitchen sponge
- Curse as you burn fingers on hot heating element
- Curse as you realize sponge is melting onto hot heating element
- Decide "fuck it, it's clean enough"
- Throw half-melted sponge away
- Install top grill plate
- Throw three cats off the counter where they were eating partially-cooked fish
- Curse at fucking cats
- Curse at fucking cats a-fucking-gain
- Put partially cooked fish on grill, close lid after confirming that top grill plate really truly honestly for-sure is in there
- Set timer for four minutes
- Watch it cook for a minute
- Realize top grill plate hasn't had time to heat up yet, so fish is not going to cook right on top half-burnt side
- Curse at anything handy
- Remove slightly more partially-cooked fish from grill, put on plate on counter
- Set timer to give top grill plate time to catch up to bottom grill plate
- Wake up from your zone-out when the grill beeps to say it's hot
- Touch top grill to be sure it really truly honestly for-sure is hot this time
- Curse as you burn fingers because it's really fucking hot
- Hurl four cats off counter where they were chowing down on partially-cooked expensive cut of fish
- Put fish back on grill for third time
- Set timer for four minutes
- Wait four minutes until timer goes off
- Thank God nothing else went wrong
- Check fish for done-ness
- Be amazed that it it's cooked perfectly, aside from that sort of burned rectangle part on top
- Remove fish from grill
- Eat lunch
And there you have it! Lunch in a jiffy! Well, okay, several jiffys. But still, could anything be easier??? Get yourself a George Foreman Grill! You'll love it!
Posted by Chuck at March 4, 2005 03:45 PM
So it's safe to assume the entire house smells like fish now?
63. Wonder what cat would taste like in GFG.
I gotta tell ya, that's one of the funniest things I've read since... since... since I don't know when.
Hee! I hope the cats enjoyed the fish as much as you did!
Now I'm really wondering if you're Wendy's long lost brother the way you use the F word! This was hilarious...