In Other News
Bank Robbery #1,009,398

Yawn. Another L.A. bank robbery yesterday. Perhaps you've heard about it? Some yutz wearing an obvious costume tries to stick up the joint, claiming he has a bomb. Bang-bang, he's dead.

Why mention yet another bank job here in the Bank Robbery Capital of America? Because yet again it was right around the corner from me. The big North Hollywood shootout last year was a few miles away from us but took place on Archwood Street, which just happened to be our old street. The Van Nuys shootout a few months later was much closer, just a few blocks up from Archwood. And then yesterday, nowhere near our house but right around the corner from where Beth and I were at a doctor's appointment. This is getting old.

And so a note to any criminals who may be reading this: Learn from the mistakes of others and don't rob banks anywhere near wherever I happen to be. I've got some kind of bank robber mojo going on that's going to ruin your day. The bad guys always get killed when I'm around, so just say no.

This ends our public disservice announcement.

Friday - 10/2/98
Whole Lotta Nothin'

Boo, I'm back.

So, what's been happening around here? A whole lotta nothin'. Well, not quite nothin'; I have been doing my Bob Vila impression around the house lately. I dry-walled one interior wall of the garage, made some order from the chaos in there while I was at it, rototilled the pumpkin patch into oblivion (it yielded a whopping 3 anemic specimens) so we could plant a proper garden, I've been scattering grass seed on the lawn to patch the dead spots where the dogs have pissed on it, I bought a lighting kit for the front yard and am now debating whether or not to try installing an exterior electrical outlet with which to power it (versus paying a pro to do it so it gets done right), I've been avoiding pulling out the washer/dryer set to clean the dryer vent so the laundry room will stop turning tropical every time we do laundry, and I've been measuring my office balcony with an eye toward installing balusters so Zoe won't tumble to her death. Call me Bob.

On second thought, don't. I guess I haven't been doing a Bob Vila impression because I've been actually fixing things rather than breaking them. That's sort of a running joke between Beth and me, Bob trundling around the set of whatever project his crew is working on, pitching in to "help" and just screwing up the work and getting in the way. I always suggest to Beth that the guys doing the actual work are muttering curses and groaning when Bob heads their way. Bob may have started the televised home improvement movement, but now we can tell he doesn't know what he's doing and is really just getting in the way. We're recovered Bob Vila fans, we've seen the error of our ways. We're Norm fans now. I think it's deliciously ironic that Norm now hosts re-runs of Bob's old shows where Norm was Bob's assistant. And that part at the end of Norm's show, where he comes out holding a 2x4? I think maybe he just clubbed Bob senseless out back with it. At least I like to think so.

But aside from all that home improvement stuff, there's not been a whole lot going on here. One day blends into the next and I blink and find it's October already and I haven't done a damned thing. Enough of this. I'm sketching out a storyline for an "Everybody Loves Raymond" spec and I'm shooting to have it finished by my birthday on the 29th. I've been sorely disillusioned with my agent -- and that sad state has spread to my writing -- but I'm climbing back into the sitcom ring now to give him one more shot. If he doesn't impress me this time around -- and he'll have to dance pretty damned hard to do so -- I'm dumping him and looking for new representation. I've wasted way too much time already.