Raised by Wolves

August 8, 2002

I love a good theory. I don't mean the Relativity type, (although in looking for a link for that one I came across some really cool stuff). I mean personal theories. I have dozens. They help explain the often unexplainable. Once you say something is a Theory, it gives the illusion of gravitas. So, since I know you're just dying to hear some of these. . . Beth's Theories

The Good Hair/Bad Hair Theory
Just when you finally make that long-overdue hair appointment, you will have a week of really good hair days. This will make you consider canceling your appointment. Don't. Whatever you do, don't cancel. Those good hair days will come to a grinding halt the morning of your hair appointment, and you'll be thanking your lucky stars you didn't cancel. If you were dumb enough to cancel, that bad hair will come back the day you cancel your appointment.

The Act Like You Belong Theory
Always act like you belong, and people will assume you do. This is a time-tested theory. I have often found myself in situations where this theory has come to my rescue. It has also saved me from some embarrassing moments. I guess one of my less admirable qualities is that I'm a bit snoopy. Not look in someone's medicine cabinet snoopy, but I will admit that I am not above giving myself a tour of someone's home. If, while wandering the halls of an unfamiliar house (say you're at a party of a friend of a friend for example) you encounter someone, just say "Hi," and keep moving. (OK, if they discover you rifling through their panty drawer you might have to come up with something a bit better than Hi, but I don't do that sort of thing.) I just act like I belong and people assume I do. I don't suggest wandering into random houses you pass and think might look interesting. Even acting like you belong probably wouldn't work in this situation.

The Men Don't See Dirt Theory
Men don't see dirt. OK, this theory is still evolving. Right now it's a cross between men don't see dirt, and men have a completely different threshold of what's acceptable filth-wise. OK, theory in progress. I'll keep you posted.

The Road to Wellness Theory
Oftentimes, the mere making of the doctor appointment will cure whatever has been ailing you. Got a pesky ache or pain? Make an appointment to see your primary care physician and get ready to embark on that wild ride of paperwork your HMO requires in order to see a specialist. I can practically guarantee that you'll feel 100% better before your appointment. It's likely you're going to have to wait 3 weeks to get in to see the doctor anyway. But if you hadn't made the appointment you wouldn't feel better -- because you have all that stress of feeling unwell. Just go ahead and make the appointment -- it doesn't cost anything. And you can always cancel it.

The Forgiveness Theory
One of my motto's is, Ask Forgiveness, Not Permission. I think this one's pretty self-explanatory.

The Raised by Wolves Theory.
This is my favorite theory. This theory has been proven again and again. I've done a lot of random sampling on it: When there is a family with three children, one of those children has been raised by wolves. From this point forward, for the sake of discussion, that sibling will be referred to as the wolf sister (as in my case), but it's not gender exclusive. The wolf sister is the one that's just different. Usually irresponsible. Somewhat psychotic. Overly dramatic. Just basically different. Just the wolf. Not a Lone Wolf. It just seems they were raised by wolves. I say this because it isn't humanly possible that this sibling could possibly have had the grown up in the same environment as you, your mom and dad, and your other sibling, based on their actions and the way they see things. The wolfness of it all really becomes apparent as the wolf sister becomes an adult. And here's the thing, the wolf sister thinks they're the normal one and the rest of the family is psycho.

Are you one of three? Was one of you raised by wolves? If the answer is no, take a deep long, hard look at yourself. It could be you.

Dear reader(s), I urge you to test these theories and report back.

Until next time...