I love a good theory.
I don't mean the Relativity
type, (although in looking for a link for that one I came across some
really cool stuff). I mean personal theories. I have dozens. They help
explain the often unexplainable. Once you say something is a Theory, it
gives the illusion of gravitas. So, since I know you're just dying to
hear some of these. . . Beth's Theories
The Good Hair/Bad
Just when you finally make that long-overdue hair appointment, you will
have a week of really good hair days. This will make you consider canceling
your appointment. Don't. Whatever you do, don't cancel. Those good hair
days will come to a grinding halt the morning of your hair appointment,
and you'll be thanking your lucky stars you didn't cancel. If you were
dumb enough to cancel, that bad hair will come back the day you cancel
The Act Like You Belong
Always act like
you belong, and people will assume you do. This is a time-tested theory.
I have often found myself in situations where this theory has come to
my rescue. It has also saved me from some embarrassing moments. I guess
one of my less admirable qualities is that I'm a bit snoopy. Not look
in someone's medicine cabinet snoopy, but I will admit that I am not above
giving myself a tour of someone's home. If, while wandering the halls
of an unfamiliar house (say you're at a party of a friend of a friend
for example) you encounter someone, just say "Hi," and keep
moving. (OK, if they discover you rifling through their panty drawer you
might have to come up with something a bit better than Hi, but I don't
do that sort of thing.) I just act like I belong and people assume I do.
I don't suggest wandering into random houses you pass and think might
look interesting. Even acting like you belong probably wouldn't work in
The Men Don't See
Men don't see dirt. OK, this theory is still evolving. Right now it's
a cross between men don't see dirt, and men have a completely different
threshold of what's acceptable filth-wise. OK, theory in progress. I'll
keep you posted.
The Road to Wellness
Oftentimes, the mere making of the doctor appointment will cure whatever
has been ailing you. Got a pesky ache or pain? Make an appointment to
see your primary care physician and get ready to embark on that wild ride
of paperwork your HMO requires in order to see a specialist. I can practically
guarantee that you'll feel 100% better before your appointment. It's likely
you're going to have to wait 3 weeks to get in to see the doctor anyway.
But if you hadn't made the appointment you wouldn't feel better -- because
you have all that stress of feeling unwell. Just go ahead and make the
appointment -- it doesn't cost anything. And you can always cancel it.
The Forgiveness Theory
One of my motto's is, Ask Forgiveness, Not Permission. I think this one's
The Raised by Wolves
This is my favorite theory. This theory has been proven again and again.
I've done a lot of random sampling on it: When there is a family with
three children, one of those children has been raised by wolves. From
this point forward, for the sake of discussion, that sibling will be referred
to as the wolf sister (as in my case), but it's not gender exclusive.
The wolf sister is the one that's just different. Usually irresponsible.
Somewhat psychotic. Overly dramatic. Just basically different. Just the
wolf. Not a Lone Wolf. It just seems they were raised by wolves. I say
this because it isn't humanly possible that this sibling could possibly
have had the grown up in the same environment as you, your mom and dad,
and your other sibling, based on their actions and the way they see things.
The wolfness of it all really becomes apparent as the wolf sister becomes
an adult. And here's the thing, the wolf sister thinks they're the normal
one and the rest of the family is psycho.
Are you one of three?
Was one of you raised by wolves? If the answer is no, take a deep long,
hard look at yourself. It could be you.
Dear reader(s), I
urge you to test these theories and report