I have a coffee mug here at the office that’s very special to me. I know I’m a loser for being attached to a mug, but there it is. The sad thing is that I don’t even have a reason for being so attached to this mug, it’s not like someone special gave it to me or it signifies the time I got the Big Promotion or anything like that. No, I just like it. I like it so much that this is actually Mug2, because Mug1 ended up shattered all over the lunchroom floor about 2 years ago in a horrible mugwashing acccident and I went on eBay and bid like a madman to win the identical Mug2. I can’t remember the details but I’m sure I paid far too much for it. Plus shipping.

It’s not just your standard white ceramic coffee mug, this one is cooler than that. It’s just like your standard white ceramic coffee mug, but with a Far Side cartoon on it: In a cavelike setting surrounded by flames, two guys are sitting up in separate beds and one is saying to the other, “Relax, Chuck, you’re just having a nightmare. Of course, we are still in Hell.” Appropriate for work, don’t you think? And it even has my name on it.

That’s the thing, right there: It has MY NAME on it. It’s not a generic mug that someone could “accidentally” pick up and start using. It may not jump right out at you saying “This is Chuck’s mug!” but still, it has my name on it. You’d think that would clue people in that, hey, this isn’t your mug, nipplehead. But apparently not, since it’s gone. It’s not in the cupboard by the coffee machine, it’s not at my desk, it’s not in the dishwasher, it’s not in the kitchen on the other side of the building.

No, my mug is just MIA — and I use the IA advisedly, because I’m sure it’s in action somewhere in this office. Some asshole is drinking coffee out of MY MUG even as I write this. And even though many of my co-workers are complete and utter morons, I don’t think any of them are so stupid that they can’t read where it says “Relax, CHUCK…” Whoever it is that has it doesn’t think it’s their mug; they know they’re a mugnapper.

You know what the very worst thing about this is? I just know they’re drinking coffee with cream and sugar. My mug has been raised on a pure diet of black coffee, because anything else is just wrong. Like the old truck-stop saying goes, “If you wanted a cup of cream and sugar, why’d you order coffee?”

But as bad as that is, it could be even worse. It could be exposed to :::shudder::: flavored coffee.

Hazelnut.