The living hell that is National Customer Service Week continues. Following is the inspirational email that just hit my Inbox, with my own comments added just so I can vent.

What a week so far! Today was filled with Sweetness and Motivation!

Yes, every job satisfaction survey ever done has shown that food is what really motivates a workforce. Higher pay, flex time, days off, more respect, better working conditions and telecommute all fell far below “Cookies and Donuts” on the “What Motivates YOU?” question on the surveys.

Throughout the day motivational expressions flashed on the Customer Support Reader board giving motivational encouragement to our Staff.

The Customer Support Reader Board is viewable only from the Customer Support Department. Other areas of the office — mine, for example — went unflashed. But I could feel the power of the motivational expressions all the way over here, so I guess that’s good enough.

We are still adding new faces to the Who’s Who board…

Thank God, because there weren’t enough faces on there already that nobody could identify. It definitely needed more. And just a suggestion, but maybe you should move the Who’s Who board out of the dead-end row of cubes where it is and put it where people can actually see the stupid thing without having to navigate a narrow aisle. Just a thought…

Today Development, Trauma, Special Projects and QA were honored for their outstanding contributions to (Company Name) with tasty treats.

Wait a second. I thought the pies, Krispy Kreme donuts and cookies were there to motivate everyone, not just these few departments. I had a donut, but I’m with Field Services. Do I have to give it back?

AGENDA HIGHLIGHTS

It’s “Partners in Service” Potluck DAY! Bring your appetites, your Favorite Dish and the recipe that goes with it.

Because nothing motivates and says “Thank You” more than throwing a party for you and asking you to cook for yourself!

Our Customer Support is phone based, so technically I’d need to call in to experience them in action. I have a cell phone, though, so I guess I stand over there and dial from next to the person who will take my call.

Also, get in on the action and play Functional Feud.

Only if I can do it in true Hatfield & McCoy feud fashion and use a loaded firearm.

In addition, Wednesday is also Wear (Software Product Name) Shirt Day! Please do not forget to wear your (Software Product Name) shirt.

I don’t think I’ll be wearing mine — I use it to wax my motorcycle.

Department Recognition: Customer Support will be recognizing Distribution, MOL, MIS and Trainers based in the Southern California Office. Expect a visit from our motivated customer support staff to recognizing the importance of this department!

This sounds suspiciously like Christmas Carolers. I hate Christmas Carolers. I’m expecting a roving band of Motivated Customer Support Staff going from cube to cube singing motivational songs like Kumbaya and Working Off The Clock Is Good For The Bottom Line.

And P.S.: your grammar and syntax suck. They’re there “to recognizing” and you’ve named four departments but apparently only one is important?

Special notes:
Have you guessed ‘who’s-who’ in Customer Support’s Baby Picture game yet? Visit the ‘main isle’ of Customer Support!

No, I haven’t guessed yet. That’s because I couldn’t care less if you ran hot needles into my eyeballs. And P.S.: your spelling sucks! An isle is an island. Morons.

Aaaaalllll weeeekkkk llloooonnnnnggggg this is going on. I don’t think I’m going to make it.