On my way over to pick Zoe up at school today, I glanced in my mirrors to find an Acura right up in my ass — it couldn’t have been five feet off my rear tire. I twisted around in the saddle to eyeball the driver, which usually wakes them up and backs them off, but this time the car stayed right on my ass.

I have a little fantasy I play out in my mind when this happens. At the next red light we get stopped at, I heel my bike over on its kickstand and walk back to confront the cager. I lean in the window, cock a fist back, and ask “Can you stop me before I hit you?” When they admit they can’t (because it’s my fantasy, so of course they can’t) I blast ’em one and say “You couldn’t stop before you hit me, either. Fortunately, you’re going to survive.”

So when nipplehead wouldn’t back off, I immediately flashed on my fantasy. But then I realized I was carrying Zoe’s helmet on my left arm, so I improved on it: I would walk back and save time by simply smashing in his windshield. You know, since it was getting in the way and keeping this clown from noticing he was running down a motorcyclist.

Except this wasn’t fantasy, I was seriously going to do it. I don’t know why this time was different from any other, but I was furious at this guy. I wanted to hurt him and destroy his car and teach him a lesson he’d never forget. I was mad as hell and I wasn’t going to take it anymore.

But then he turned out to be a she, and my momma raised me to know it’s not nice to brutalize women. But then she turned out to be a ****, which turned it back around again.

As she pulled up next to me — passing me in my lane to make a right at the next intersection — I yelled, “What the fuck are you doing?” And the bitch gave me the finger! First on my ass, now in my lane, and she has the balls to flip me off! Oh, it was on!

But… It’s not nice to brutalize women, even when they deserve it. So I gave her a pass, and instead just yelled after her, “Back off, you stupid ****!”

And the bitch gave me the finger again.

I almost went after her anyway. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that Zoe was waiting for me and it was her helmet that would be doing the damage. So I let her go and I’m kicking myself for it now.

Yeah, yeah, I know: I’m a heathen, a chauvenist, a pig. I’m also lucky to be alive after the way that sow was driving. She put me at risk with her driving, and then had the stones to flip me off over it. That’s no lady, so the rules don’t apply. If you’re gonna play it like a man, you’d better expect to get beat down like one.