During the final confrontation between Westley and Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride, Humperdinck begins their duel with the exclamation “To the death!” and Westley replies, “No. To the pain.” And then describes at length just what the pain will be.

As Westley finishes cataloguing all the ways Humperdinck will rue the day, Humperdinck says, “I think you’re bluffing.”

Westley replies, “It’s possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again… perhaps I have the strength after all.”

I was playing no limit poker tonight, thought the other guy was bluffing, and lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $300 on a single hand. He wasn’t bluffing. At ALL.

I had Q6, suited. Not a strong hand, but the blinds were only $3, so what the hell: I called.

Flop came AAQ. Yuck. I had two pair now — Aces and Queens — but anyone holding an Ace had me beat. I made a feeler bet — $10 , or maybe $20 — to see where I was. Got a few callers but no raisers. Probably safe against the Ace, then, and my Queen was probably the best hand.

The turn came a 4. There was a possible flush building, but the only thing really scaring me were those Aces. Again, anyone holding an Ace had me beat. I’m not sure, but I think I just checked here and everyone checked around behind me.

River came a Queen. Suh-weet! Now I had a full house, Queens and Aces. Anyone who made their flush is dead meat, nobody’s been betting an Ace so I’m pretty sure I’m safe there. I bet out $25 expecting everyone to fold or just call and lose.

The guy to my left bets all-in $285. WTF?

Everyone else folds behind him and now it’s back to me.

I took a looooooong time thinking about it. I kept deciding to fold, then thinking back on how he was betting — or, more importantly, not betting. He was either calling or checking all the way down, never betting out. I figured if he’d had the Ace, he’d have been betting his trips on the flop, and certainly on the turn. But he hadn’t, he’d just called and checked. So I started to become convinced that he either had the last Queen and we were tied, or he had nothing and was bluffing.

To the pain: I called. I had nearly $500 in front of me when that hand started, and when the pot was right I had barely $100 left. That pot was friggin’ huge, something like $600.

I flipped over my Queen to show Queens full of Aces. And my heart stopped as he flipped over Ace-Ace.

Motherfucker had four of a kind ON THE FLOP and slow-played it. And I just bought right into it. What an ass. I should have known I was beaten when he moved in on me. What ELSE did I think he had? So I donated to the guy, and big.

I have to give him credit, he played that hand perfectly. And it paid off. Huge.

The real pisser is that it was almost a jackpot hand. Aces Full or better beaten by Four of a Kind paid a $26,000 jackpot tonight — if both your hole cards played. Only one of mine did, the Queen. If there’d been another Queen on the board I would have won the jackpot. And if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

To the pain.

God, I hate poker.