Karl Elvis and Ray turned me on to the Gematriculator, that site I goofed on yesterday that tells you how evil your site is. You plug in your url and it analyzes the words on the page and applies some arcane algorithm and then it tells you how evil your page is. (I’m actually only 34% evil.) Good clean fun, yes?

Well, I was just poking around over there and found that in addition to having a website’s good/evil analyzed, you can also have it do a block of text. A name, for example.

Well.

I analyzed myself, of course, and was disappointed. I try to be all bad-ass but apparently I’m only 1% evil. I guess my halo just won’t tarnish, no matter how hard I try. Then I did Beth. And that’s when I learned things.

Using her married name (which she’s only just started using at work after nine years of marriage — and that’s an entry for another day), Beth too is only 1% evil/99% good. She’s an angel, just like me. But when I used her maiden name…

Oh. My. God. She was 99% evil! Only 1% good!

Things made so much more sense when I learned that. My wife has partied with David Lee Roth, sat on Jim Morrison’s lap, dated a Pretender. She used to go through men like I used to go through vodka. She used to be a bad girl. Now she quilts, she gardens, she drives a Volvo. Now she’s a good girl. What happened?

I happened. I changed her, saved her from a life of evil, turned her toward The Light. Beth was on the road to ruin until I met her and took her under my tutelage. I married her, and in doing so saved her. I redeemed her.

Now I know what it is that I’ve always felt was missing between us: her gratitude. More than that, her worship. I’ve always felt like I deserved more wifely deference and respect around here and now I have the scientific evidence to back it up. I can’t wait to tell her.

And I hope me being Good also means I’m under the good Lord’s protection. I might need it.