War of the Words
We’re having a bit of tension here at Chez Atkins tonight. I’m mad at Zoe and on a bit of a rampage about it and Beth thinks I’m being unreasonable. So basically: same thing, only different.
This battle was triggered by the book A Wrinkle in Time. I read it when I was a kid — I don’t remember how old I was — and I absolutely loved it. I loved it so much that even now, 30-some years later, I have a vague warm fuzzy feeling when I think about it. I don’t remember much about the story, I don’t remember any of the characters, I don’t remember how it ends or even what it’s about, really. The one thing I do remember quite clearly is what a “wrinkle in time” is in the book’s world. And, most importantly, I remember that I absolutely loved this book. I think it may have been my introduction to science fiction, and I turned out to be a big ol’ science fiction geek. So when Zoe and I were at the library the other day and I stumbled across A Wrinkle in Time on the shelf, I immediately wanted to share it with her.
I was a voracious reader when I was a kid. I read anything and everything everywhere and anywhere, any time. I used to get in trouble for reading in class — I’d prop a library book up behind my schoolbook and read instead of doing the classwork. I remember the librarian saying to me when I was in fifth grade (at good old Palm View Elementary in Palmetto, Fla) that I had read nearly every book in the school library. I remember spending hours up in the mango tree in our back yard there in Florida, reading the weekends away. I loved to read.
Zoe, however, does not. And it is a source of huge frustration for me.
Every parent wants their kid to be brilliant, to be a genius, to be a prodigy. I’m no different. And for the most part I’ve gotten that — Zoe is a beautiful, smart, funny, remarkably well-adjusted, good hearted kid. But her resistance to reading triggers something negative in me, a prejudice against non-readers as being … well, not so smart. And I want my kid to be smart. I want my kid to read at the same elevated level and with the same eager hunger that I did, and the fact that she doesn’t makes a part of me paint her with a black brush.
I’ve tried to be gentle and encouraging about it with her. I’ve tried to make it fun. I’ve tried to awaken her to the joy and wonder books can bring. I’ve tried to frame it in terms relevant to her (“It’s like TV in your head!”). I’ve even tried bribing her: five bucks, cash, for every book she finishes. And her response has not exactly been what I was looking for.
Zoe will read, yes. But she won’t like it. And she won’t do much of it. And she wants it to be easy. When I’ve taken her to the bookstore to find books that will appeal to her, she goes for books for much younger children — not because that’s what her reading level is, but because they’re smaller. They’re shorter. They’re easier. And I’m afraid that I get angry about that.
When we want her to read, she resists us. She bargains to get out of it or delay it. She negotiates rewards for minimal page counts. She acts put upon. She sulks. She occasionally cries. And then when she finally does get down to reading she does the bare minimum. She reads one short chapter and stops. Or she finishes the chapter she didn’t finish last time and stops. She reads three pages and stops. She stops. She comes out after half an hour and announces that she read four pages — as if that were a substantial accomplishment. And I get angry about that.
I remember how when I was a kid I couldn’t wait to get back to whatever book I was reading. I remember reading in bed at night, under the covers with a flashlight. I remember flipping pages feverishly, rushing to read as much as I could before I had to do something else. I remember not wanting to stop. Ever.
That’s what I want for Zoe and it makes me angry that she very clearly doesn’t want that for herself. And when I’m angry, everybody knows about it. Which is where we are tonight: me storming because Zoe complained about being asked to read some more of A Wrinkle in Time, Zoe in tears because I’m angry at her, Beth angry at me because I’m angry at Zoe.
And me angry at me because I’m being a dick.
I need to remember that I have a good kid. No, a great kid. And while it kills me that she’s clearly one more kid in a generation that doesn’t read, I need to remember that it doesn’t mean she’s…
Well, fuck, I can’t even finish that sentence. Dumb, that’s the word I keep wanting to use, but it’s not the word that fits. I do ascribe intelligence to people who read, but I don’t think she’s not because she doesn’t.
I think that what I really am right now is sad. I loved that stupid book so much, and I wanted her to love it too. I wanted to be able to share it with her, to introduce it into her world, for her to feel that same excitement about it that I felt. I wanted something that meant so much to me to mean just as much to her. I wanted us to share it, I wanted it to be a touchstone between us.
But Zoe doesn’t like to read.
I LOVE “Wrinkle in Time”. I read that in grade school. Only one of my 3 kids liked to read when they were young. Turns out one of the non readers is far-sighted and the close work gave her headaches. She loves reading now. The other one finally discovered “Flowers in the Attic”, then Harry Potter. I can’t get her to stop reading.
You could listen to her read and act out the parts together. That is fun to do together.
Have you reread the book lately? As an adult? I ask because I hated it as a child, could never finish it even though I was a huge reader, and finally made it through it a few years ago as an adult. And I think maybe it is not to everyone’s taste. The book is very, very Christian, and a bit sappy. Some kids might skim right over that — my very atheist husband did; it was one of his favorite books as a kid, which is why I read it — but some people just have an aversion to that type of story. Doesn’t mean we’re dumb, we’re just crabby.
So maybe cut Zoe some slack on that particular book and find something else for her to love. (My mom desperately wanted me to love Edna Ferber as much as she did. Sorry, Mom, no dice.)
I love to read, but I only read “Wrinkle In Time” as an adult and I thought it was just freaky.
As for Zoe…it sounds like at this point the whole reading thing is a power struggle, so there’s no way you’re going to get her to like reading by bribing, threatening, or cajoling. You being angry at her about it doesn’t exactly make reading sound like a lot of fun. It makes it sound like medicine that she has to choke down. So back off for a while.
Cassidy took to books at a young age, but t took Liam a long time to get into reading; it just took a while to figure out what he liked. “Captain Underpants” turned out to his first thing, but now he’s devouring the Lemony Snicket books and reads all the time. He enjoys it and he’s proud of it.
Maybe you’re focusing too much on “books” instead of “reading”. Get stuff that ties in to things she likes. Does she watch Spongebob? Get some crappy Spongebob knockoff comic book and leave it lying around. Something easy with lots of pictures that’s already about a subject she likes. Does she like Harry Potter? Don’t get her the books, they’re too big. Get her one of those magazines that are about the making of the movies. She’ll probably pick it up just to look at the pictures of Rupert Grint and will accidently have to read some of it in the process.
And what else is she doing with her time while she’s not reading? If she’s spending it all watching TV and playing video games, there’s your trouble. So limit those. Our kids get an hour a day total TV/DVD/PS2 time; less if they have homework and sports practice; up to 2 hours on a Saturday or Sunday if it’s for watching a whole movie. So put in those limits and stick to them…and she doesn’t have to spend that time reading, but she does have to figure out how to fill the time herself…playing outside, playing inside, doing something. Sooner or later she’s gonna read something just out of boredom.
My guess is that you are selling something that sounds a bit too much like work to her.
Maybe have Beth slip her something a bit girlie (not a full-fledged bodice-ripper, but something that deals with thoughts and feelings that teenage girls have) and tell her “now don’t let your father catch you with this!’
Nothing like a little forbidden fruit to give a kid an appetite! If I read you correctly, much of your reading was done when you were supposed to be doing something else!
I think a locked room with bread, water, and the LA Times will make her come around. ;)
Thank you all very much for your suggestions (except Don). This has been a source of frustration for both of Chuck and I, but I need to remember that as a child I was not an avid reader. This pleasure did not come to me until I was an adult.
Unlike Chuck, I have not given up hope.
Yes, I’ve read Wrinkle in Time as an adult several times. I still love it. It says to me – Family is Important. I also love reading about space travel and creatures on other planets. I just bought a copy for my older sister and had to read it again before giving it to her.
All through high school, I would read the Beverly Cleary, Nancy Drew books, etc. Although they were a little young for me, they were fun to read.
A family friend who is 25, dyslexic, and hated to read, was assigned “Tuesdays with Morrie” (a very boring book in my opinion) for a college class. He loved it! Finally.
Have you had Zoe tested for her processing strengths? Like hearing it while reading it helps for some kids.
I can relate to this. Lucinda is six now, and she’s just barely starting to read. When I was her age, I was going to the library and reading whole books. Books with no pictures and all that. So I’m getting that “dammit, I was reading when I was your age – what the hell is wrong with you?” feeling. Sadly, I don’t have anything constructive to offer here. Just some understanding.
Chalk:
I was red until I got teknolgy in my past some timeago. Me reeds alot of tek nolhgy books now for good and keeping myself in the no. I cannot been read a novle for some and many days or years so be it ha ha ha. It hasent hurt my braens to bad. But I can code like a Pilgrim whoe has becum unstuck in time.
Larrry
Pee Ess: Is this the bok with the Teseract in it also as well?
Thank you, everyone, for your comments and advice. I’ll try some of the things you suggested and see if maybe we can’t coax Zoe into the world of the Gentle Reader.
And regarding Larry… Ladies and Gentlemen, meet a proud graduate of the California State University system. He has a degree and everything!