Today is my scuba birthday: one year ago today I did my first open water dive, at the Casino Point dive park at Catalina Island. I remember that first dive as if it were yesterday.

My training up to that moment had consisted of two mornings of classroom study and two afternoons of skills training in a swimming pool. The classroom study taught us about the physics of diving and gas exchange and important tips like “Don’t hold your breath or your lungs will explode.” The pool sessions taught us what the equipment was and how to put it on and use it, along with important tips like “Don’t hold your breath or your lungs will explode.” I had breezed through all of it because I was highly motivated and have always been very comfortable in the water and also because I had maybe a little tiny baby crush on my instructor, Szilvia, and didn’t want her to think I was an idiot.

Here’s the thing they don’t tell you about scuba diving: the gear is heavy and it’s hard to move in it. And here’s the thing they don’t tell you about diving in California: it’s cold water diving so you need a wetsuit and the wetsuits are tight and hard to put on and it’s hard to move around in them. And then here’s the thing about putting on a wetsuit and a ton of scuba gear in an asphalt parking lot in the blazing sun in 80 degree weather and then trying to walk in it: it’s exhausting.

So by the time I was hanging at the surface on the descent line buoy with Szilvia, I was sweating like a pig and blowing like a whale and completely out of breath. But I didn’t want Szilvia to think I was an idiot, so when she said “Okay, let’s drop down” I nodded and dumped air from my BC and dropped down the line with her.

Ten feet down, I stopped. I wasn’t panicking, but it was close. I was breathing fine off my reg, but between the being out of breath and the wetsuit being tight around my chest and the basic nervousness of “holy shit, I’m breathing where I should be drowning,” I wasn’t getting enough air. I wanted to go up. Now.

Szilvia gave me the “Okay?” sign and I shook my head “Hell no!” and thumbed “Up.” Szilvia was having none of it. She’s been through this hundreds of times before and knew exactly what was going on. She shook her head “No” and held her hand out “Stop” and then motioned to “Breathe in / breathe out, breathe in / breathe out.” So I hung there on the line with her for a minute or two and just breathed and forced myself to calm down and soon I was good to go. I gave her the “Okay” sign and we continued our descent and went on to have a great dive.

That’s a memory I’m always going to carry with me. I feel kind of silly now, looking back on it with the perspective a year of diving has given me, but I’m also a little proud of myself for not losing it and shooting to the surface. I faced down a primal fear there and conquered it. That’s a good feeling. Also, I didn’t look like an idiot in front of Szilvia. Well, maybe a little bit, but not a complete idiot. At least not then.

Diving now, the initial descent is my favorite part of the dive. I love floating there on the surface until me and my buddy agree to drop down, and then dumping air and slowing dropping beneath the surface. I love the sudden crash of noise as my ears fill with water and I equalize and then my hearing acclimates to the underwater world and I hear all the clicks and grunts of the sea life and the inhale/exhale of the divers around me. And I especially love watching the surface rise away from me, like cloud cover lifting away above a descending airplane. That initial drop down just never gets old.

It’s been a few months now since I’ve been in the water. I was hoping to celebrate my scuba birthday by going diving this weekend, but diving isn’t cheap and not having a (decent) job doesn’t lend itself to frequent diving trips, so I’m staying on dry land for now. But I’m working on a deal that should help get me back in the water on my current budget, so I’ll get to celebrate soon enough. Plus, I have some job prospects on the horizon that would let me buy new gear, even, if they pan out. So I will be diving again soon. Just, sigh, not today.

I’ll light a candle today and blow out a bubble later.