Just so I remember this in case I ever contemplate playing poker again: I’m done with poker. I just donated $200 to the Zipperhead No-Foldem fund and that’s the last penny those nippleheads are getting out of me. It took me just 15 minutes to go through my first hundred dollars, and then it took me another hundred to figure out that I’m just Not Going To Win — At All.

The hand that told me how things were going to be (saving me $100 if I’d listened then) was about my 10th hand at the No Limit Hold Em table:

On every hand up to that point, the standard pre-flop bet was $3. I was dealt Ace-King, so I raised it up to $10. Three players called.

Dealer puts up Ace-King-4. I have two pair and I’m first to act. I bet $10 again. I probably should have gone all-in right there with two pair, but there was only about $40 in the pot and I had a monster hand so I wanted to build it up. I bet $10. One player calls, the other two fold.

Dealer puts up a 2. I have top two pair, I’m down to one player with a pot that isn’t going to get much better — I go all-in with about $50. And he calls me. What the fuck?

The last card doesn’t matter. We turn our cards up. I have AK for two pair, he has 3-5, giving him A-2-3-4-5 straight. He wins. I sit there dumbstruck for a moment.

This fucker called $10 preflop with absolutely nothing, then he called another $10 with a gutshot straight draw, then he caught the one of four miracle cards in the entire deck that would give him the winning hand. 48 other cards in the deck either improved my hand even more or locked me in as the winner, but he caught his miracle card.

Un-fucking-believeable.

$80 later, on my last hand of the night, I again made two pair on the river, but the board paired to counterfeit my hand and give the pot to the clown on my left who had spent the night bluffing and folding every single hand but this one.

I was, to put it mildly, furious. I think I might be banned from the Bicycle Club now, because I tore my cards in half and threw them at the dealer as I got up to leave.

It’s just as well, because I’m fucking done.