I need some help from you readers. My local scuba shop wants to set up an inventory control system for their rental equipment and they’ve asked me to help. I know what I want but I can’t find it out there. Maybe you can point me in the right direction?

What we’re going to do is barcode all the equipment so we can scan it to check it in and out. I need two things to make that happen:

1. Some kind of database with tables made up of the equipment being rented and the customers renting it, and then need a front end on it where we can plug in who’s renting what and when they return it. We don’t need prices or invoices, just in/out.

I was thinking Access might be the way to go but I don’t know it well enough to set up the tables or design the interface.

2. A way to get the barcodes on the equipment. This is scuba gear, remember, so it’s going to get beat up a lot, not to mention being underwater for extended periods of time. We need something durable that won’t get in the way. I’ve seen something like a cross between a zipper pull and a zip tie that looked close to what we need but I can’t find it anywhere.

So there you go, that’s what I need your help with. If you can point me to a cheap Windows-based software solution and a durable inventory tag, I’ll sure appreciate it. Maybe I’ll take you diving with me as thanks.

Can you help? Puh-leaze?

I’m eviler than all you wannabe bitches.

Oh. My. God.

I’m finally — FINALLY — finished kludging around with this stupid thing, and it’s a good thing, too, because I was running out of weekend to waste. Whew.

I have the new theme working now, obviously, and you might not have noticed but the comments were down (again) but they’re back up now, and I’ve installed/ moved/ reinstalled/ re-moved this stupid thing multiple times on the server, and I’ve edited and re-edited and re-edited php files out the wazoo, and, and, and.

And I think it looks pretty good. As long as you’re not using Internet Explorer, that is. IE isn’t showing the cool little icons next to the entry titles and the box titles on the right column there. And in fact it’s not showing the right column right, which explains why you don’t know what I mean about the boxes there. For you, the entire right column is down at the bottom of the page in the left column. It’s not there all the time, though. If you click into an entry to add a comment, well, the right column will show up in the right column then. Also, if you go to one of the monthly archives or categories — sometimes. Why is it doing this? I dunno. Short answer: Internet Explorer sucks.

Here, try Firefox. You’ll be glad you did.

As for the rest of it… I think that’ll do, pig. It looks good when I look at it, and that’s all that really matters, isn’t it? No? Well it is at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday night. I’m about due for a weekend away from the keyboard and I have about 30 minutes in which to do it.

In the meantime, take a peek over at Beth’s page and donate some money to sponsor her in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. She’ll show you her boobies if you kick down with enough green!

Huh, go figure. I thought I was a little trampier than this. And masculine.

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next Door Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the ‘What Kind of Girl Are You?’ quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Inspired by my close personal friend stag over at stagblog, I thought I’d give an assist to all my stalkers out there who’ve been wondering where I live. Wonder no longer: Dead center, that’s me.

Come on by if you’re cool. If you’re not, uh… Don’t.

Later:

Oopsie, that was a little too much of an assist. I figured out that even though the satellite photo map I linked to didn’t give my actual address, asking Google for directions to the coordinates it provided actually did give directions right to my front door. Not good.

Sorry, stalkers, but I’m not going to just give it up to you like a drunken prom queen. You’d never respect me in the morning if I did.

Oh look, a Batesville Casket Company truck. Ah, memories of the Mojave Phone Booth and the mission into the desert to Hang It Up that Steve and I undertook.

In retrospect, I think I was wrong about that Batesville truck we encountered in the Denny’s parking lot. It wasn’t going to where the business was after all, it really was an omen: The Booth’s days were numbered.

I have a four more Gmail invitations to give away so I’m opening up bidding for them. The price is a joke. Good joke, bad joke, doesn’t matter.

I gave a few away on Craiglist recently (they should be paying me for all this free publicity, shouldn’t they?) and actually got a halfway decent joke out of it. Here ’tis, just to get you started:

Q: Why couldn’t the littlest pirate get into the movie?
A: It was rated Arrrrr!!!!!

Want a gmail invite? Post a joke in my comments.

Go.

Every once in awhile I get bored with beating Beth and making Zoe scrub the entire house with a mascara brush, and when I get that bored it takes something really extra special to lift me up and entertain me. In times like that I turn to Craigslist, to the Casual Encounters section. This is where the oversexed whack-jobs of LALALand post desperate come-ons, looking to hook up with other losers like themselves who have no play in the real world and standards so low they fail to register on even the most sensitive of meters.

My personal favorites are the ones that have pictures attached. These are almost always from guys, are almost always shot with a camera phone, and are almost always a picture of a carefully pumped and posed penis … that usually has an unfortunate kink somewhere along its oily length. But the cockshots aren’t what I’m there for. (Really, they’re not. Really!) I’m looking for the guys who are so completely clueless that they’ve included a picture of their face, because their write-up is usually so painfully earnest and desperate and clumsy that it’s worth enduring the cockshots to find them. And also, well, let’s be honest: I’m comparing my own unit to the cockshots. And, well, let’s be really honest: sometime it’s not so good for my ego. But I endure. For the comedy.

So let me now share with you a few choice selections from tonight’s perusal of the ads of the lustlorn:

I’m hot as hell tonight…. i want a hot time with a REAL man~reg stud – 28
I am not attracted to ‘homosexuals’
or at least the kind where you can tell
I want what is called a REGULAR man
and a total partier badboy
eh well sensitive is good.. but only if you’re HOT

Okay, no weenie action there — but we do have a guitar stunt cock. And he’s discriminating, too — he wants a gay experience, but not with someone gay. Unless he’s HOT, that is. Gotta draw — and cross — the line somewhere!

HELP MY GIRLFRIEND CAN’T TAKE MY 9IN COCK NEED A GIRL TONIGHT – m4w – 25
NICE GUY LOVES SEX WITH GIRLS GOOD LOOKING NOT FAT 6FT TALL CLEAN. NO STRINGS PLEASE HELP OUT I LIKE MY GIRL BUT NEED MORE ATT. THANKS PS VERY GOOD AT SEX. AND A GIVING LOVER GIRLS ONLY NO GUYS

I love this one just because he included his yearbook picture. And also because he was so friggin’ stupid that he didn’t crop his name off of it before posting it. But I’m a nice guy, so I cropped it for him before posting it here to make fun of him. But I’m sorry, I have no sympathy for a guy with a 9 inch unit. I should have such problems!

LOVING CLIT & BREAST MASSAGE FOR WOMEN – m4w
I am a very caring attractive male looking for a wonderful female friend who would like to find sensuality and companionship. Ideally I would enjoy intimacy like massage, touch and conversation without sex. I am very safe, romantic and nurturing. I am drug and disease free and expect you to be as well. My personality is one where I always have a shoulder for you to lean on.

There was a picture with this one but I didn’t include it because I want this entry to be some semblance of work-safe. Let’s just say that it was a view of his manhood that was most impressive.

(Beth tracked this ad down after reading the 1st draft of this entry. Her comment on seeing his picture? “Holy cow!!!” Greeeaaatttt… Just what I wanted to hear from my wife.)

I’m including this one because I just loved the naked honesty of his plea for friendship and massage and conversation without sex … along with a shot of his naked manhood and a title promising erogenous zone-specific massage. FOR WOMEN! I dunno, I think maybe this guy has ulterior motives; I don’t think friendship is what he has in mind.

ARE YOU COLD??? I can help… – m4w – 35
Ok ladies…I heard about this guy fixing computers in trade for fun between the sheets…well, I just happen to be in the heating and air conditioning business. I am a single guy who loves hot sexy women…so, I can come over and heat you up, and when I’m done…you could heat me up, between the sheets. Let me know what you think…

Woop! Woop! Woop! Warning, warning! Playa alert, playa alert!
Oh, man, does this guy have a rap or what? And sly, with that “between the sheets”? HoooooWEEE!!! And how ’bout that picture? With that rap and those guns, who cares what his face looks like? He’s in!!! (Beth says I should tell you that he blacked out his face, not me. I’m just the messenger.)

*****Anyone up for some fun? – m4w****** – 25
Hello there! Are there any ladies out there that would be interested and grabbing a quick bite to eat and just sit around and chat for awhile? We could spend the night hanging out talking, doing stuff, or where ever it ends up going. No expectation, just looking for some good company. I’m 25, 5’9″ and here’s a picture. Drop me a line if you are interested in doing something fun =)

Awww… What a nice guy. And so sincere! He just wants to enjoy a meal with you, chat, hang out, do “stuff” and … where ever it ends up going. But no expectations! And don’t let the fact that he posted this in the hookup section give you the wrong idea. He’s not looking for sex. Probably. Maybe. Riiiiight.

Okay, one last one before I put a stop to this nonsense.

Virginity anyone? – m4w – 23
Plain and simple, I want to lose my virginity. Yes I am actually a virgin, I am not doing this as a ploy to get laid, believe me I could have if I wanted to. I really just want to loose it to a stranger to avoid any weird feelings amoung friends. Please send a picture with your reply, I am not desperate like most of the guys on here. I know this because when I posted an ad earlier, I received a couple responses from women, but many more from men, even though my post stated clearly “no men please”. If you are interested let me know. Talk to you you soon. NO MEN, I am not interested in you, I don’t care how discreet you are.

He’s a virgin. Really. No, really, he is. And he’s not desperate, not like most of the guys here. Really, he’s not. He’s NOT! Stop laughing! Stop it! It’s not funny! Stop!

——————————————–

So, yeah, that’s what I do for fun, I read these things and laugh and make fun of the guys posting them. I’m shallow, shoot me. I find it entertaining. And lest you think I’ve been really mean or somehow unethical in posting these things here, let me remind you that they posted them first. All I did was copy it…

I’m looking for help from you, my superfantastic readers. After spending much of Sunday with my website/domain/email down, and after putting up with multiple small but annoying glitches in my administration of same over the past few months, I think I’m ready to pack up and move deadpan to a new hosting service. So I’m looking for recommendations. Gimme some names, people!

Look, my special purpose has a name!

And that’s when I use my full name in the generator. When I use just “Chuck” I come up with Captain Kirk. That’s almost better. I could call it Tiberius for short. If, you know, guys ever used the word “short” when describing their units.