I’m on a meme roll lately, it seems. 200 things, 3 things, everythings… I keep seeing this kind of entry fodder in other blogs and using it here. So why not continue? For today we have a photo meme:

Leave me comments listing three things you want me to take a picture of and I’ll shoot and post them here. I reserve the right to completely ignore perv requests (unless they’re my kind of perv), but then you’ve already seen me in one of Beth’s bras — how much worse could it get?

“1. Zoe with green hair.”

“2. Zoe on a bungee ride at a church fair last weekend.”

“3. Zoe going really high on a bungee ride at a church fair last weekend.”

“I want a picture of what your face looks like when you’re about to check-raise.”

And another request is in, this from my close personal friend David:

“How about a pick of my journal up on your computer screen (heck, you can show your whole work area)?”

Shamelessly stolen from Gavin. Because why not?

3 THINGS…

…I am wearing right now

1. Peace Scuba T-shirt
2. 8 gauge silver 1/2″ CBR, right ear
3. New Balance crosstrainers

…on my desk

1. 3-week old stack of unopened mail
2. 2 quarters, a nickel, and 10 pennies
3. A paintball gun I’ve been planning to eBay for more than a year

…I want to do before I die

1. Sell a big budget script
2. Learn to fly
3. Watch Zoe fall in love

…good things about my personality

1. Comedy, baby!
2. Sarcastic
3. Trustworthy

…bad things about my personality

1. Sarcastic
2. Curmudgeon
3. Anger issues

…I like about my body

1. All the parts are there
2. All the parts work
3. All the parts are mine

…I don’t like about my body

1. Certain parts aren’t as hairy as they used to be
2. Certain parts are hairer than they used to be
3. Certain parts are larger than they used to be

…most people don’t know about me

1. I’m an ordained minister
2. I ran away from home at age 7 with a suitcase full of socks
3. I was banned by the court from entering the city of Burbank, CA

…I say the most

1. Are you all right?
2. Yo.
3. Alllllll righty then!

…I want to go to

1. Greece
2. Cozumel
3. Bed with Charlize Theron

…names that I go by

1. Chuck
2. Keith
3. Asshole

…screen names I have had

1. Opus
2. CHUD
3. Wordsmith

Stolen from Beth, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from… Etc. Posting it because … why not.

Bolded items have been done. Non-bolded are on the To Do list.

(It’s probably worth mentioning that most of the items Beth and I have both done, we haven’t done together.)

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said �I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read – and understood – your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once? – More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Rode on a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Rode a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Bush’s hometown paper supports Kerry. if the president read newspapers he would be real mad.

— tonypierce.com + busblog

Tony cracks my shit up.

Ahhhhh, the sweet, sweet taste of a high speed internet connection. It makes a 45K dial-up connection taste like what it is: shit.

Yes, we’re back online. Woo.

And… Uh… Well, I was going to be all clever and write some kind of witty entry about it, but suddenly I don’t feel like it. So instead:

That is all.

Well, that didn’t take long. At 1:11 pm I received the following email:

Your posting has been removed by the craigslist community.

Sorry for the hassle! and thanks for your understanding.

Pussies.

I received just two responses on it, one person asking (in typical Craiglist spelling) “Are you seriuos?,” and the other offering a brief but succinct opinion: “ASSHOLE!”

Alas, nobody offered me a kitten for my recipe. Fortunately, I do have three of them already, so I can still get busy in the kitchen. I’ll let you know how it comes out.

If you’re not familiar with Craigslist and you live in a major US metropolitan area, you should check it out. It’s a glorified bulletin board/classified section, but you can find some pretty cool stuff in there.

But I don’t think my latest posting will last long before the Powers That Be delete it, so I’ll immortalize it here. Filed in the Wanted section under the heading “Kitten Needed”:

I desperately need a kitten for a new recipe I want to try. Breed unimportant, prefer one on the chubby side.

I”ll let you know what responses I get.

Hey, guess who has six more ABCDEF_mail (Fill in the spam-fighting blank. Hint: It’s a “G”) accounts to give away?

I know all three of my regular readers already have one (and you probably got it from my wife), but if any of you folks dropping in from the Big e-Mattress or Meat of the Matter to see who the dumb liberal with the big mouth is want one, let me know.

All you have to do is promise to vote Kerry in November.

(Ha, just kidding!)

(Maybe.)

At the expense of my delicate ego, I feel I need to clear up some confusion about me and the spammers’ offer regarding the penis enlargement problem. I seem to have given the impression that my problem is that I have a large penis (Why, oh why, didn’t that ever work in the bars back in the 80’s?) when that is, sadly, not the case.

Let’s examine the spammer message that inspired my last entry. They offered “The permanent fix to Penis Enlargement.” Doesn’t that suggest that having an enlarged penis is a problem that needs fixing? And if enlargement is the problem, wouldn’t making it smaller be the solution?

That’s what prompted my last post. My dangly bits are small enough already; I don’t need a solution that makes them even smaller. I need one that, well, enlarges them. So technically speaking, I need the solution to penis enSMALLment. Hence my last entry.

Look, I know that was the intent of the original spammer message, but it was so poorly written that it negated itself and defeated its own purpose. I want well written, concise spam, not something that means what it doesn’t say. Write it right, spam boys, or stay the hell out of my pants.

But if you’re serious about that whole enlargement thing? I’m in.

Attention, spammers:

Penis enLARGEment isn’t the problem I need to have solved. The problem is penis enSMALLment. Get to work on that and we’ll be in business.

Thank you.