Here’s an old picture of me that I just stumbled across. Halloween, circa 1986. This was at the office, and at lunch the company held a party for us at the hotel across the street, to which we had to walk, passing a construction site along the way. Lemme tell ya, those construction workers were pigs with their whistling and yelling at me! I felt like a piece of meat! ::sniff::

I interviewed for a Training Coordinator job early last week and completely blew it. They had a long list of “What’s your biggest weakness?” cheeseball type interview questions — which I absolutely hate — and I was coming across like such a goober that I actually paused and took a private moment with myself at one point when I smiled and thought “Fuck it, just get through the next 15 questions and it’ll be over. You’ve already blown it, just coast through the rest of it now and quit stressing.”

Shockingly, they called later saying they wanted me to come back to do a 30 minute mock training session so they can see me in front of a class.

So I went in today to do the mock session. I stayed up late last night going over the material, then got very little sleep since I kept waking up every 15 minutes all night long, got up early, shaved, showered, put on a nice ironed shirt and pair of pants, fought freeway traffic to get there, and finally arrived at the training room to find no one there to meet me. I was a little early, so I poked around for a few minutes and worked on getting the PCs all up and running and started installing the work files needed for the session. And when I was finished, still nobody was there to meet me.

Because, as it turns out, my mock session is scheduled for next Wednesday.

Of all that wasted effort leading to that bonehead moment, I resent the shaving the most. I could have waited another day before I had to do that.

I’m at the lunch break of the first class I’m training since I don’t know when. I finally did manage to knuckle down and do some prep work for today, so I came in feeling like I had a little bit of a handle on what I was going to do. I had forgotten, though, that computer/software training students — especially for a Level 1 class — tend not to have a handle on, well, just about everything. Bringing a bottle of aspirin was all the prep I really needed.

I find that I’m falling back into the flow of teaching pretty easily. I usually connect well with my students and I’m doing that here today. Having a sense of humor helps. On their end, too. But I’m finding that I’m relaxed and comfortable in front of the class and I’m not getting lost in the material like I thought I might. The fact that we’re moving at a snail’s pace is helping. Last night I was worried that I’d go through it so fast that I’d have to stretch and fill; today I’m worried that we’re not going to get halfway through. Part of that is my fault because I tend to over-explain and go off on related tangents, but a few of the students are helping slow us down by asking, um, “basic” questions and “trying things” on their own when they can hardly do what I’m asking.

Also had to be flexible right out of the gate today. I’m training at “a local power company” and about 20 minutes in we lost power to half the computers. Oopsie. They got them back up and running, but I had a group of unhappy campers on my hands for a few minutes there. I joked that it was a good thing it hadn’t been a water problem or we’d all be in trouble.

I had to roll with the punches on that one. Only problem with rolling with the punches is that you’re getting punched.

Beth says it’s all about networking and I guess she’d know, seeing as how she’s turning into the queen of it. So okay, fine, I’ll network all eleventeen of you in:

I’m looking for a job.

Yes, it’s true, the life of leisure is getting old. Also, the severance check is running out and unemployment won’t cover my heroin habit and you have no idea how hard it is to get a lap dance when you’re paying with food stamps. It’s all about money, apparently. Who knew?

So if any of you superfantastic readers happen to know of a training gig out there that you could tip me to, well, don’t be shy about it. Or basically any kind of gig. I’m getting to the point where I can’t afford to be picky. Baby needs a new pair of shoes and daddy needs to be able to buy them for her.

The customer support department at the company I used to work for provides what they call “award-winning customer support.” What they don’t tell you is what the award they won was. My advice to all users at the sites I worked with was “Don’t call them — ever” because I knew that it had to be a “Worst Possible Performance” award. Really, they were a gang of halfwits. I know everyone always says that about whatever customer support they’re dealing with, but these people really were stupid. If you looked up “stupid” in the dictionary, there’d be a space for a picture of them but instead of the picture there would be a notice saying that the picture didn’t come out because they didn’t take the lens cap off the camera. They were dmub!

I’ve ranted about them here before. Read about my love of them here, here, here, here, here and here.

I bring this up because I got a call today from the Santa Barbara site I converted to the software back in February. They had a problem with pulling a report that customer support just couldn’t solve after multiple calls, and customer support’s final diagnosis was that “Your computer must be broken.” Seriously, that’s what they told her. The software is working fine in every way but one, so the computer is broken. Incredible.

So I helped her out. Now, bear in mind that I haven’t seen the software in nearly five months — I left the company 3.5 months ago and I basically slacked my way through my last month there literally without doing any work at all. So it’s been awhile, it’s not like I’m fresh on using it.

It took me two minutes to get her what she needed. And about 90 seconds of that was me talking myself through the steps to help me remember what the screens looked like.

I think that deserves an award.

In related news, my voicemail there is still up with my last message. Give it a listen at (949) 425-3344.

Here’s a little something for my former co-workers — it’s a cartoon from the New Yorker:

And hey, how about that cool little Love Ride fundraiser? We’re up to $221 now with six days to go!

This election fiasco has put me in a pretty pissy mood. But my former coworker and close personal friend Diana forwarded me an email from inside my old job that put a smile on my face:

From: Supervisor – Technical Operations Group
Sent: Tuesday, November 02, 2004 10:04 AM
To: LAN Mail All
Subject: Company equipment
Importance: High

Thank you

I guess they finally looked at my old laptop:

It’s nice to know that I’m gone but not forgotten. :)

The Lunchroom shut down for awhile there. So sorry.

If you’ll recall, about three weeks back I took a day trip to San Francisco and asked you all to put out good vibes for me. I was up there for a job interview with a company where I’d be doing for TV exactly what I’ve been doing for the last three years for radio. I couldn’t be more qualified for the position and they’ve already hired six of my coworkers, two of whom I trained. The job was a lock.

Or so I thought. Because now it looks like I didn’t get the job. I think I probably priced myself out of it with a salary request about $5000 higher than I know they hired a coworker at, but that’s how you negotiate: start high and then work your way down. I started high — and they never countered. Oopsie.

So that seriously took the wind out of my sails and that’s a large part of why I haven’t been posting. I was halfway planning a triumphant “Check it out, I got a new job with more money already!” type entry, but then they didn’t call me. And didn’t call me. And. Didn’t. Call. Me. So I didn’t exactly feel like shouting from the rooftops, if you know what I mean. I mean, they hired six of my coworkers. Two of them people I trained. And they don’t want me? WTF?

But, eh, whatever. That severance check from my last job is looking a lot smaller now, but the truth is that this gig I interviewed for wasn’t really a very good fit for me, family-wise. It was going to be 75% travel (or more), which — after being home 24/7 for two months now — would be hard on us, and especially hard on Zoe. And this company expects its employees to pay all their travel expenses up-front and be reimbursed later, which can be pretty expensive when you’re doing 75% travel. But mainly the traveling would suck. I’ve really enjoyed being around lately, able to take Zoe to school in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon, have dinner as a family every night, spend some quality time with Beth, not be gone but instead be here. It’s been nice. It’s felt almost … normal. Going back to traveling again wouldn’t exactly be a step forward.

So not getting a job I thought was a lock sucks, there’s no doubt about it. But it’s not all bad, either. I just need to find something else.

At least I’ve found some wind.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Elvis tattoo is leaving the building for the very last time.

I’ve changed my voicemail message to say, “Hi, this is Chuck. I don’t work here anymore.”

I’m about to turn in my laptop, and I will NOT be removing all the radio station stickers I’ve put on it over the years:

(Ewww! The VP who reminds me of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz just came by for a hug — blinking back tears, of course. Ewww!!!)

And since I keep talking about the Elvis tattoo but you’ve probably never seen it, here’s a picture of it:

And now… Now I’m going to reformat my hard drive, power the laptop down, and hit the road.

I’m free.

Today is Layoff Day — or as the company likes to call it, Reduction In Force Day. Today, the final axe falls and the last 20 people go home for good.

So of course the tears are flowing.

Good lord. Already I’ve had two people come collecting hugs and making tearful promises to “keep in touch.” Blech.

People, people! Get some perspective. The only reason we know each other and have spent any significant time together is because we were getting paid to be here. I won’t be keeping in touch with you, not unless there’s a check in it for me. You think I’m going to hang out with you people for free??? Wake up!

Oh, and you people who I’ve avoided and not spoken to for two years? Especially my former manager who wrote me up for basically doing my job? Stop coming by my desk to say how much you’re going to miss me. I don’t care; I’m not going to miss YOU. You’re fucking up my perfect record of getting out the door without ever talking to you again. Just stop. Turn around and go cry with someone else, maybe someone who’ll actually shed a tear for you.

There’s a very small list of people from this company who I think are cool, and those people all got an email from me yesterday saying so and giving them my personal info. If you didn’t get that email…? Take a hint.

(No, no, not YOU. You didn’t get the email? Shit, I’m sorry, I must have forgotten to send it to YOU. Everyone else who didn’t get it, didn’t get it ON PURPOSE. You not getting it was a total MISTAKE.)

Hugs and tears, for fuck’s sake. Spare me.