How many of you out there had a date sometime during the past week? Okay, good. Now, how many of you had a good time on your date? Uh oh, I see some hands dropping. How many of you had a lousy time on your date? A few less hands. And finally, how many of you had such a vicious time that it almost made you swear off dating forever? Just one of you.

Okay, you over there with the Hell Date, why was it so bad? You don't know why, that's just how it always is when you go out with this person? Well, excuse me for asking a stupid question, but why do you go out with this nightmare in the first place? Never mind answering; you just gave me my soapbox for this week. You're going to be our object lesson.

We've all done it, haven't we? Gone out with somebody we don't like all that much, or gone out with somebody we really like a lot who doesn't like us and treats us like...well, like the hired help. Why do we do it?

The answer's pretty simple: loneliness. Whether you're going out with somebody straight from Nightmare Dates 'R Us because it's better than nothing or laying your heart on the line for the Human Vampire because "s/he'll love me someday," you're doing it because you'd rather not be alone. I think that's the human condition: nobody likes to be alone. That's why there's so many 900 numbers and Pasadena Weekly Romance Ads and hookers in Hollywood.

But there's a not-too-fine line between wanting to get out of the house and being somebody's doormat, and it's a line too many of us cross. Not having a date isn't that bad, is it? No, it's not. Since I'm your doctor, and since this is a house call of sorts, I've got just the prescription for the disease known as Dating The Wrong People: No and Don't.

Take a No and a Don't and call me in the morning.

"No" means saying no when the wrong person calls you at 6:57 p.m. and says, "Duh, hey, I wuz jus thinkin' aboutchoo. Ya wanna do somethin'?" They're calling you with that compelling invitation only because 8:00 p.m. (the official dating kick-off time) is closing in and he or she can't find anybody foolish enough to go out with them. You're Hobson's choice. Skip it.

"Don't" means don't do it. When the unrequited love of your life hasn't called you in a week, don't pick up the phone and suggest a movie -- take a hint. There's enough abuse in the world without calling to have it delivered like Domino's Pizza. Don't make the call, don't set yourself up. Don't be a patsy.

So what if you don't have a date this weekend? It's not that bad. Dating is a lot like buying cantaloupe: you squeeze 'em and thump 'em and make a judgement call. Do you get frantic when you can't make it to the store to buy a melon? Then why get frantic when you can't see a movie with one? If you can't find a good melon at the store, if they're all rotten, you go home without one. Why settle for a rotten date because that's all there is?

SINGLES GROUP OF THE WEEK
This is the 90's, if you hadn't noticed, and this is the age of computers. A lot of you probably deal with them on your job, and some of you have them in your home. Computers are everywhere.

What does this have to do with dating? Romance is going electronic. One of the more revolutionary capabilities of computers is the ability to communicate with other computers over telephone lines via modem. Banks do it to transmit data, corporations do it to link their computers to remote offices, you've done it if you've ever sent a fax, and there are people out there who do it just for fun.

Our singles group of the week is a loose confederation of computer aficionados known as "BBSers" who talk to each other via modem through a connecting point known as a Bulletin Board System (BBS). BBSers make new friends and stay in touch with old ones, play games, have debates, and send electronic mail through the BBSes. And sometimes they fall in love. Every BBS (there are hundreds in California alone) boasts at least one success story where two members have met on the board and fallen in love.

A local BBS, "Modem Butterfly's Connection," hosts get-togethers for members and non-members on a semi-regular basis. Their most recent gathering was held Tuesday at the 94th Aero Squadron in Van Nuys. If you've got a computer with a modem and you're interested in checking MBC out, use your computer to call (818) 842-3322. It's a good way to meet new people and pick up a new hobby, so call them up and tell them "Wordsmith" sent you.

Two BBSers met on Modem Butterfly recently. Using their on-line "handles," "Eclipse" in Maryland and "Kitten" in Los Angeles developed an on-line friendship that grew into romance and has bloomed into marriage. "Kitten" now lives in Maryland with her new husband, "Eclipse," and they owe it all to their computers.

Love is everywhere, folks, even on your computer screen.