Friday -- October 8, 1999
Mike's Survey Said...!

Damn, I could get used to this. This has been the easiest six entries in a row I've written since I started the 'stake. Give me a regular supply of surveys, keep me stocked with people to fight with, hell, I'm ready to join Often.

Tonight I'm taking Mike's survey. Let the chips fall where they may.

1. Would you take the fall for a crime committed by a sibling or parent?

No. They never took the fall for me.

2. What's your favorite picnic food?

Sammitches.

3. What television show did you like that got canceled way too soon?

Cheers.

4. Ever get caught picking your nose?

I have a webcam, of course I've been caught. You can see the results here.

5. By which school picture are you most embarrassed?

7th grade. Conrad Ball Junior High School, Loveland, Colorado. Full dress dork.

6. What was your first computer?

An 8088 IBM PC, Jr. It had 64k of RAM!

7. What are you completely and irrationally stubborn about?

Nothing. Ever. End of discussion.

8. You're offered the political appointment of your choosing. What job do you take?

Envoy to the Playboy Mansion.

9. How would you like to die?

I'm not sure. My first instinct is "Quickly, unexpectedly." But it only happens once, so maybe I'd want it to be a slow process so I could anticipate it, come to terms with it, experience it. On the other hand, going in your sleep doesn't sound too bad.

10. You get to plan your own funeral. Who speaks? Who sings? How do you get sent off?

Jeez, gimme a break. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to die and I have to plan the funeral already? "I'm not dead yet!"

11. You and a date finish an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant and discover the waiter has charged you for only one lobster. Do you a) point out the mistake. b) keep quiet and leave a huge tip. c) quickly pay the tab and leave.

Point out the mistake. I did a lot of thieving in my younger days; now I never steal. I even correct the 7/11 counter guys when they give me too much change.

12. To whom are you most likely to lend money? a relative, a friend, a business partner, or the author of this survey.

The author. I've already given him an e-mail address.

13. Ever changed your website just so you could join a ring?

Nope. Never had to, never would.

14. Ever written on a special topic, just so you could qualify for a web award?

Nope. Hell, I get nominated for awards I shouldn't get without even trying.

15. Ever submitted your own site for a web award?

Yes. In an early precursor to my current flamewar, I applied for an award from Elly, then rejected it so I could start a fight with her. I'm sure I was making a point at the time, but I have no idea what it was. It was probably a stupid award. And a stupid point.

16. Ever offered a web award of your own conception?

No, but I did have a Photoshop buddy modify Elly's -- cut off the puppy's tail, riddled him with bullet holes, decapitated the teddy bear.

17. What's your favorite flavor of toaster pastry?

Blueberry Pop-Tarts.

18. Ever paid one credit card with another one?

Pay? What you mean, "pay"? Your words confuse me.

19. Ever been hoopsnaked by a home equity loan ad?

No, but I wish I had so I'd know what hoopsnaking is. It sounds kinda dirty. Kinda fun.

20. To what magazines do you currently subscribe?

None. But I do have a Reader's Digest subscription starting soon.

21. What's your guilty pleasure?

Dave Van.

22. What do you do that you do not enjoy simply for appearance sake?

Shave.

23. Have you ever taken out a singles ad?

Yes, so I could write a magazine article I titled "Desperately Seeking Someone." Several nightmare dates with mutants I met through the ad. Hmm... I Never did sell that article. I should put it up here sometime.

24. Have you ever lied in a singles ad?

Yes. I had to make myself sound good so the mutants would call.

25. When was the last time you bounced a check?

Not sure. Have you deposited it yet?

26. Have you ever camped out for concert tickets? If so, for which concert?

I've never camped out overnight, but an old buddy of mine and I used to hit the Ticketron outlets early every Saturday morning, load up on whatever everyone was lined up for, then sell the tickets to a broker at double the price. You can thank me for having to pay triple face value for the Depeche Mode show at The Forum. You deserved it -- Depeche Mode sucked.

27. What's the most embarrassing name ever given to you by a significant other?

The Incredible Mr. Limpet. (Yeah, right.)

28. Ever played truth or dare in an effort to get into someone's pants?

How else would you?

29. Did you have sex in high school?

Nope. Loooooser!

30. What's your favorite drinking game?

Used to be Bob Newhart. Now it's more fun not to play, because living is funner than dying.

31. What bad habit do you have that no one is supposed to know about?

I take surveys instead of writing journal entries.

32. Are you completely honest in situations where your name isn't used?

Yes. I mean no. Sort of.

33. Ever urinated in public?

I'm a guy. Duh.

34. Which celebrity would you most like to see drop off the face of the Earth?

I don't know about dropping him off the face of the Earth, but I was once really tempted to drop a baby (a light) on Bruce Dern's head. What a prick.

35. Which celebrity would you most like to bring back from the dead?

Stevie Ray Vaughn. But I'd rather have him never have died than bring him back from the dead. He's probably a bit ripe by now.

36. If you found out who really killed JFK, who would you tell first?

The highest bidder.

37. What's your favorite comic strip?

Calvin & Hobbes gets the all-time favorite vote. Now, it's Baby Blues.

38. What was the last thing you purchased at Wal-hyphen-Mart? When was that?

I don't know if I've ever been in Wal-hyphen-Mart. You have no idea how unlikely that seems, though.

39. If you were afforded the opportunity to sleep with one of your friends, who would it be?

I'm married. I'm not allowed to entertain such thoughts.

40. To what superstition do you most adhere?

Walking under ladders while black cats dash across my path to break mirrors on Friday the 13th.

41. Elevators or escalators?

Escalators are fun, elevators are fast. Depends on how big a hurry I'm in.

42. How many justices of the U.S. Supreme Court can you name? No cheating (there are nine).

None. Their moms already named them.

43. What is the name of your congressman? (or similar government representative for those living outside the US and not in some fascist country that doesn't have a representational government).

Barbara Boxer.

44. What are you a big old geek about?

My daughter. I love her to pieces and I don't care how goofy I look doing it.

45. Who makes you laugh?

Eddie Izzard.

46. Have you ever been in a band? If so, what was it called?

I was sort of a member of Reverend Bill & The Soul Believers for about 15 minutes once. I was also in the Conrad Ball Junior High School trumpet section. Band Geek!

47. Herbivore, carnivore, or omnivore?

Carnivore.

48. When playing tic tac toe, which square do you always fill in first? Do you prefer "X" or "O"?

Top left, with an X.

49. Does the time 4:20 have any significance for you?

I asked Maryjane what it means but she wouldn't tell me.

50. What was the biggest prize you ever won?

A 5'5" woman named Beth.