If you're anything like me, you've been wondering what to buy your significant other for today, trying to come up with the perfect gift that will make his or her heart go pitter-patter. I remember one time about four years ago when I spent the weekend going from toy store to toy store, from Van Nuys to Pasadena, trying to find a particular stuffed teddy bear my girlfriend had said she wanted. I finally found it at the Plaza Pasadena Mall, dropped $65 on the stupid thing, gave it to her over dinner that evening, and got dumped about three days later. I don't buy teddy bears anymore.

That's a worst case scenario, though, and it's not going to happen to you. Teddy bears are usually a pretty good bet on Valentine's Day, but they're just so...passé. I have a suggestion for a gift that's responsible, will score you brownie points, and is something you should do anyway: Get tested for AIDS.

Getting tested is probably the best gift you can give someone you care about because it says that you care enough about them to make sure you're not putting them at risk. Your mate will appreciate the maturity behind the thought and might even go so far as to get tested too. You could even give your romance a 90's twist and take the test together. It'll bring you closer together and take some of the worry out of your sex life.

When you do get tested, there's only two ways it can go: HIV positive or HIV negative. Either way, it's something you should know. If you're positive, you can start treatment and increase your chances of survival, and you can help stop the spread of the disease by not exposing anyone else to it. If you're negative, it'll be a load off your mind and you can make a commitment to staying negative by committing to safe sex or abstinence.

The test itself is very simple and you don't have to study for it. It only takes an hour at most testing locations, and most of that time is made up of pre-test counseling. They'll draw some blood, give you a number to protect your anonymity (most sites offer anonymous testing), and you're on your way. Depending on where you have the test done, you'll return anywhere from a day to two weeks later to get your results. This will usually take another hour, most of which, again, is made up of a counseling session.

The price of the test varies according to location. There is free testing available for those who can't afford to pay for it, but most locations charge anywhere from $45 on up. As far as I'm concerned, though, it's a bargain at any price. For information about the test, and for testing locations in your area, call the AIDS Hotline at (213) 876-2437.

You're all responsible, intelligent people with good taste -- I know this because you read my column -- so I know you're practicing safe sex, but if you're honest with yourself you'll admit to at least wondering about your HIV status. (And if you're not practicing safe sex, you're scaring the rest of us and you damn well should be wondering. Remember, fellas: The ladies will hail ya if you cover your genitalia!) If you're wondering, your mate is wondering too. Do the right thing: find out.

FOREPLAY
Two psychiatrists are having drinks and shooting the breeze after a long day at work. The conversation gradually turns to shop talk and one of the psychiatrists remembers something amusing.

"My wife and I made love this morning and I must have been thinking about it when I left, because I made a Freudian slip," he says to his colleague.

"Oh, really?" the second psychiatrist replies. "What did you say?"

"Well, I was on my way out the door and I was going to tell her to have a good day, but instead I said 'That was a good roll in the hay.'"

"That's funny," the second psychiatrist says. "The same kind of thing happened to me this morning, too."

"What did you say?" asks first psychiatrist.

"I was going to tell my wife to have a good day when I left, too, but instead I said 'You lousy, rotten, stinking, manipulative shrew! You've ruined my life! I wish I'd never married you!'"

Ba-dump bump! What'd you expect, actual humor?

Happy Valentine's Day!