My close personal friend, Scott A. of Pasadena (Scott's my close personal friend because he wrote to me. You can be my close personal friend, too, all you've got to do is pick up a pen.) responded to my request for good and bad pick-up lines and sent in some real stinkers – I mean winners. Yeah, that's it, winners. So now we can get started on that soon-to-be best seller, "Dr. Love's First Annual Official Dating Pick-up Line Guide."

"While some or all of these may seem rather off the wall, I'm sure all of them are more effective than 'What's your sign?'" Scott writes. "Please feel free to share these with your readers."

Well, sure, Scott, I'll do that, but before I actually set these lines down in black and white I'd like to caution the other readers to make sure all the youngsters and those with weak stomachs have left the room. These pick-up lines could cause profound psychological damage in children, and projectile vomiting from others. Safety first, ya know. Okay, here we go with Scott's "favorite opening lines for females."

"Didn't we go to different high schools together?" I'll give this one a 4 on the Dr. Love scale, which runs from 1 - 10 with 10 being highest. It's got a nice, quirky humor to it and is ludicrous enough that it might prompt a smile if the ladies sit still long enough to hear it. Another variation I've heard on this comes from my friend Jon, whom I've mentioned in this column before. Jon's version has your mothers going to different high schools together. That's probably a little too esoteric for a casual first encounter, though, so I think Scott's is more effective. Barely.

"If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Oh, please. Spare me, will ya? Who hasn't heard this one a thousand times? Crude, ineffective and clichéd. It gets a 1.

"What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?" Sorry, Scott, this is another tired cliché. It's not even that clever, because it confusedly reduces the girl to a location and elevates the location to a girl. Another 1.

"I'm young and I make an incredible amount of money." Blunt, but possibly effective if true. This one will probably fly better in Beverly Hills. Flash your Porsche keys when you say it. A 2.

"Hey, wanna go dancing after the funeral?" I like it. Scott says he uses this one when he's in a really bizarre mood and that nobody's been able to make heads or tails of it. I'm not surprised. It's so weird that the person you use it on will probably ask you to repeat it, and then to explain it. Voila, you've started a conversation! Since that's what these lines are supposed to do, I'll give it a 5. You probably shouldn't use it at an actual funeral, though. But maybe an Irish wake...

Now it might seem that I've been a little bit hard on Scott's offerings, but let's face it -- they're pretty good examples of the kind of lines you don't want to use if you're looking for a positive response. I'm sure that Scott's submission was written with his tongue lodged firmly in his cheek, so I've taken it in the spirit it was intended and I'll file his lines away under the "Don't Use These Lines Unless You Want To Go Down In Flames" section of our book-in-progress.

But the bottom line on pick-up lines is that it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you say something. Introducing yourself can be just as effective -- or ineffective -- as the cleverest line ever dreamed up. The whole point is to start a conversation with that person who's caught your eye. If they're receptive it doesn't really matter what you say, and if they're unreceptive the best line in the world isn't going to help you.

It's all about attraction and magnetism and -- let's face it -- looks. Sometimes. Any of the guys from the C & R commercials could probably say just about anything they wanted and make it work unless they're rude and crude about it. That's where personality comes in: You need one. And if you can reflect it in your opening line, then so much the better, which brings us full-circle and back to the lines again. You've got to say something, so it might as well be good. A good opening line can overcome hideous facial deformities (maybe), just as a bad one can tank your model's looks. Or maybe not. We're talking about initial attraction here, which is almost as fickle as Mideast peace talks. It's a judgement call, and one you're going to have to make for yourselves.

Good luck, and watch what you say.